Ex Isn’t Short for Exception.

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Your ex.

That false sense of comfort that give is almost as fake as Lisa Rinna’s lips. The one thing you need to remember is that in the words of Admiral Ackbar…

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Now, let’s rewind a bit to March.

I have not spoken to my ex boyfriend in about 2 years . Trust me, it took all the strength in my core to not drunk text him and get laid. Alas, I purposely forgot his number and abused the shit out of my Tinder for new booty. In this time span, I was able to realign with things I should have made important like friends, my career and traveling. But like with all fuck boys, they have a 6th sense to know when to show up and create chaos.

The story is all the same : they drunk text you, you entertain it and thus, the vicious cycle begins. Curiosity got the best of me and I agreed to his invitation to connect over drinks. The biggest concern was that I was going to fall weak to his advances and end my night hating myself.

50 shades of NOPE! The feeling of knowing that you look exponentially better than when you last dated is better than any drug I’ve tried. Like home boy was looking rough. Needless to say, I was curious to see whatever he had to say that he couldn’t say through text.

After pointless filler conversation, I finally was able to find out how was on his end. Single after being wi 6th someone for 15 months. Of course that’s why he got in contact with me because my apparent perception is that I’m the back up. Yeah, no.

Entertained him the whole night and went along our own way. Quite frankly, why go back to eating Spam when you’ve dined on filet mignon? Yeah, I know you wouldn’t revert to your old ways either.

Sure, the comfort level that you had with your ex is inviting and who doesn’t like safety but at the end of the day, there was a reason why that relationship ended. Be like Elsa and let that shit go. Honestly, I did kind of find it flattering that I’m still living in his brain rent free but boy byee.

Can it be February 15th Already?

 

 

Here we are again. When you work at a place that capitalizes on Valentine’s Day, you can’t escape the love birds that you have to interact with until February 15th. After a few years in the game, it doesn’t bother me but I’m pretty sure there’s some people who need those survival tips. Tired of your relationships giving you the shit about being single on the 14th? First off, they can go away because you’re awesome on your own. Secondly, peep this list below because this is how I’ve survived every Valentine’s day ever since I told my ex-fiance to fall down a flight of stairs.

1. Don’t Believe The Hype.

Trust me when I say, your wallet would be so thankful for this. Spending money on outfits, going to a superfluous restaurant for an overpriced prix-fixe meal and buying flowers that have a shelf life of 4 days is quite unnecessary. Use that money that you saved on this day and go somewhere fun like Miami (I’m quite biased because I fucking live for South Beach) or binge drink at the bar. At the end of the day, you being single gives you options.

2. Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Don’t Make me a Match.

Everyone in your circle thinks they have the best intentions for you. “Oh, don’t be alone on this day.” or “I know this really cute person at my job who just so happens to be single.” Seriously, back off and let a girl breathe! It’s only one day and I can guarantee that I will never see this person again so, why force something to happen. Plus, from experience, your date can get stage-5 clinger quickly. Not a cute look at all.

3. Keep Being Single and Carry on.

You’re awesome all on your own and don’t let the social norms dictate that otherwise for you. I’m fully aware that now, in ny thirties, the expectation to be locked down in a marriage is higher than ever. How many fucks do I give? None. And neither should you. Whatever your reason is to be single, stand your ground and don’t let the pressure consume you. The last thing anyone should subject themselves to is an unhappy relationship.

Look, February 14th is just another Tuesday to me this year that I’ll treat it as such. Just don’t be caught on the 13th and thinking you can get something with no strings attached. You’ll regret it, trust me.
Any tips on how you survive this holiday as an awesome single person? Share in the comments below.

Peace out cub scout,

Melissa

This is 30.

Well, I had no idea my unintentional hiatus lasted  that long. Due to the nature of the circumstances I was experiencing at the time, I suppose it makes all the sense in the world. 
If there’s one thing I learned the hard way, is that relationships and I will never get along. During my 18 month hiatus, I decided to give my now 2nd most hated ex boyfriend another chance. We actually started planning out our future which would involve marriage and me moving from NYC to Virginia. At first glance, I thought I was going to put my single girl ways behind me. But, just as life would have it, I wouldn’t get my happy ending, someone else did instead. 

Bitter? It took 3 months to get over the fact that I had the wool over my eyes but eventually, I got over it. Am I thankful? Fuck yes. Why? Because I was going to be in a contractual agreement called marriage when in reality, I wasn’t about that life. Children? I’ll just spoil my baby cousins instead. 

Where does this leave me? This past October, I turned 30 and the pressures to conform to the social norms have never been stronger. What I vowed myself is to continue to go against the grain and just live my life.

What does this mean for Broke Single Girl? My dedication, complete dedication. For the the first time since I was 18, it’s not about someone else. Still feeling that vacation bliss from visiting Miami last week, I’m going to be selfish as fuck. 

For those who stuck around, you guys are the real MVP. And if you’re new, welcome. I have a feeling we’re going to go on a crazy adventure and I can not wait.
Cheers. 

Shoulda. Woulda. Coulda.

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We all have them. The people in our lives where the curiosity sets in when it comes to the bedroom. You’ve heard stories, the gawking intensifies and there could be some mildly flirting. Now, you’re at an impasse. To bone or not to bone?  I’m pretty sure that was what Shakespeare was trying to say in Hamlet, I’m sure of it. Confidence sets in but before pulling the trigger, that painful question sets in.

Is it really worth it?

There are tons of scenarios that can come out of having sex with a friend. The best case scenario is that the two of you are on the same page and it’s blissful. For the past 7 years, me and my bro have been rocking it out and it made our friendship strong. Other friends in my life? Not so much. Lightening doesn’t strike the same place twice and there’s no need to rock the boat. Don’t take my word on it because every friendship has a different dynamic. Feel it out first by having hypothetical conversations because you know what they say when you assume things? You make an ass out of you and me. 

What I’m really trying to say is tread lightly and talk about it as soon as you can after it happens. Sweeping it under the rug just gives the elephant in the room more food and doesn’t want to budge. Addressing it bring clarity to the situation and if the friendship falls apart, then that person was a lame ass. If they couldn’t handle a sexual relationship without over analyzing the situation, it wasn’t worth it. At the end of the day, you need to worry about you and only you. Don’t need to surround yourself with people who have no clue how to have fun.

Just remember one thing, feelings, amongst other things, is something you don’t want to catch. Mentally prepare yourself for the worst because no one likes to sidelined. But just remember to think one thing, this is a two way street. As consenting adults, you both chose to get naked so brace yourself.

To make it short, just do it because you don’t want to regret not making the move. The only regrets one should have in life is for the things you didn’t do. Make sure you throw a rubber on it because no one likes pregnancy. Be grown up about it and don’t over think it. Whatever happens will happen and there’s no need to drive yourself mental thinking about possible outcomes. Embrace and if they have central air, make it a summer time thing for sure.

Peace Out Cub Scouts.

Melissa

 

Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind.

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In the age of Millennials, we tend overshare everything. From taking Snapchats on the toilet to posting photos of Vietnamese Pho soup on Instragram, we have taken ‘sharing is caring’ too fucking far. Sure, some people might get a kick of your posts but slow your roll. Want to go overboard and lose friends quickly? Just start talking about your relationship on all sectors of Social Media. Nothing will alienate you faster than boasting about your new companion.

Before you get this whole entire post twisted, I’m truly happy for those that finds someone who tolerates them longer than the 30 minute intervals I usually give other humans. In true style of my idol, Kanye West, I’m going to eventually let you finish, but hear me out first. No one cares! Not to sound like the heartless wrench that I am, but I’m being honest. Tone it down with the tagging of Facebook status and the #TBTs of your first date. You know the saying, ‘Less is More’? Take that shit with a massive grain of salt.

Let me give you some insight on why I feel this way. Dated a guy in college and of course, I was on Cloud 9. Took me a while to get him to entertain the idea to date me so, in true fashion, I blew that shit up on Social Media. Things where fine at first, until I got bit by the ugly green monster and flipped out when other broads would write on his wall or comment on a picture. Fights started to brew and after a few weeks of bliss, shit hit the fan. We called it quits after 4 months and it dawned on me. If I wasn’t so caught up with our online relationship, I could’ve appreciated what we had off the grid.

Here’s the Sparknotes version: keep it on the DL. For all you guys know, I could be married and you wouldn’t fucking know it. Okay, well I’m not married but you get the idea, right? The relationship should be truly enjoyed for those involved and only them. Yes, you like or even love each other but no need to prove it to the world. To me, that screams insecurity to have to blast it out there almost every day. Take the relationship for face value and embrace it. If you want to keep sharing, do you boo-boo. Just be careful?

 

Kthnxbye.

Melissa Henry

You Need To Keep It Cool.

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Summer is here and as I slowly inch closer to 30, I’ve decided to make this upcoming season count. With that in mind, I feel like sharing my game plan with the world. I can’t be the only person that is going hard for the next three months, so here are my pearls of wisdom.

Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff.

First impressions are so crucial in order to get inside those pants tonight. Do everyone a favor, don’t ramble like a crazy person. I know that may sound extremely harsh but honestly, they are not there for the small talk. Keep it basic, you don’t even have to give out your full name. The less information you give away, the smaller chance you’ll get Facebook stalked if shit hits the fan. Trust me, you don’t want to be stalked throughout all social media avenues. Not a cute look.

Keep It Cool, Baby. 

Chances are, the person you’re making out after 5 shots of Tequila isn’t going to be your newest boyfriend/girlfriend. The last thing you want to do is to freak this person out by speaking words of commitment. Summer has become synonymous with hot and steamy hookups, so don’t make it more than it needs to be. Now, if it lasts the whole season and your curiosity peaks around September, then the two of you could have the talk. For now, just enjoy yourselves and put a condom on it.

Be Prepared

Ah yes, the mantra of the Boy Scouts. At the end of the day, you never know where the night will lead you. With that in mind, you have to keep an open mind and the essential tools. I get it, you want to look like the sexiest person in the room but you have to keep in mind of the walk of shame you’ll be doing in the morning. It can be as simple as packing up a pair of sunglasses, some Aspirin and a pair of stockings or leggings to make your commute home easier. If taking public transit is undesirable, I totally recommend using the LYFT app. I have found it to be cheaper than Uber and just as efficient. You don’t want to feel guilty about the amazing night you had by having those jealous, judgmental people staring you down. They’re envious that they couldn’t do what you did last night, don’t let the haters hold you down!

Just remember one thing, you need to have fun. Of course, you need to be careful because the last thing you want is catch something gross like or worse… Pregnancy. So as I get older and find myself less likely to want to settle down, I plan on taking it a day at a time.

Peace Out Cub Scouts.

Melissa

 

 

Hey Mom! I’m On HuffPost Live!!

So recently, I was contacted by Huffington Post Live to talk about Fleet Week in NYC. They had discovered my blog and nonetheless, I was extremely excited. Nothing makes me feel more appreciated than having every single one of you read my blog. Where will this take me? Who knows. All I know that it gives me the push I needed to keep rocking it out.

For those that missed it, the link will be down below.

Fleet Week 2015

Thanks for the support guys!

Passive Agression Doesn’t Lead to Success

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One of my worst personality traits is that I can be extremely passive aggressive. Yes, it gets you no where but being I absolutely hate confrontation, it’s my only solution. Now, imagine being passive aggressive and you date someone that identical. That would send your head into a tailspin. So what’s a girl to do?

Recently, I’ve met a guy that I fancied and I knew that I had to control myself. The last time I came off strong, let’s just say I’m blocked on all social media from ever contacting him. Needless to say, I needed to come out with a new game plan in order to be successful. The light bulb in my head dinged and I thought, maybe I shouldn’t text or call him a whole bunch. Logic in my head was, if I gave the bare minimum in response, I won’t come off as needy.

What a fucking terrible idea

As time progressed, the responses started to become sparse and I was beginning to think that he lost all complete interest in me. Being the person I am, I decided to brush it off. Then paranoia sets in and I needed to find out for myself the truth behind it all.

It was my apparent disinterest in him.

Well shit, I guess it was me. Call me old fashioned but I always felt that it was in the role of the guy to initiate conversation. But I guess the learning curve has shifted… Long story short, I need to start being more assertive if I want anything positive to happen to me.

Maybe the next guy I’ll meet will be the one that I would want to exhaust my vocal chords, in more than one way of course. Time is the devil in all of this because who knows when that’ll take place. Until then, just need to keep living and stop being a fucking hermit crab. With summer quickly approaching, this will be the time for me to shine.

Until then my fellow thots

Too da loo

Melissa.

I’m not dead….yet

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Hello world! Well, the 3 of you that actually read this. Sorry for being so neglectful of this blog but you know, work owns my life. Yes, those long hours has taken a toll on my creative mojo but hopefully with all of my future writing endeavours, I can give my love to all of you.

Boy, a lot has happened since January and I can’t wait to share with all of you. If I have to bring my laptop to work to blog on my break, I will do it because I know some of you like to read what I have to say.

On that note, I guess Pinkstar (my laptop’s name) is coming with me to work tomorrow 🙂

To da loo bitches,

Melissa

You’re Not the One I Wanted After All.

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We all have that one person in our romantic past; the one that was apparently the one. You doodle their name encircled in hearts all over your Intro to Literature notebook and you swear that the sun shines brightly out of their ass. The two of you date for certain amount of time then out of nowhere…

You get dumped for no fucking reason.

Now, your story doesn’t end there because you’re a sadist and consistently go on and off with this person for an extended amount of time, substantially longer than the initial relationship. Well, there are the occasional filler people you would have during your down time but this torturous relationship has become so routine that when it finally stops, you crave it.

Exhibiting mild symptoms of addiction such as obsession, withdrawal and social isolation, people around you are there to have you break that cycle in your life. When you become successful, the littlest of relapse can become detrimental to your entire being, both physically and mentally. Honestly, after going back and forth with this selfish piece of shit for 8 YEARS, I thought that chapter of my life was complete. Like shit bro, I gave you 29.6% of my life, just be like Felicia and go.  For the last 13 months, I was in a great place in my life due to the reduced amount of stress that I was experiencing. Then one night…

He decided to call me at 2am on a Saturday night.

Of course, I was with my girl friends at the closing night of a Midtown bar, 5 Jameson shots deep when I noticed I had a few missed calls. The initial thought was like, he must be dying because he basically told me to go fuck myself the last time we made contact. Normally, I would have my over analytical mindset talk me out of answering those calls, the whiskey induced hornball brain I had decided to take a different approach on the situation. I humoured him because, yes, I was incredibly horny and the last encounter I had been less than promising. After the 2 hour escapade that involved a hot tub, I reverted to the crying, emotional 25-year-old I was when he finally decided to end all romantic ties with me, 2 years before he decided to sever all ties with me.

I never had an outer body experience before this moment and it freaked me out. Must have been the 3 additional shots of Black Label I had when we got together that but that experience was needed. One thing you never want to do is destroy something you had a struggle rebuilding and I was not going to do it to myself again. Arguing with him for another hour before knocking out was mentally exhausting because it rehashed emotions that I wanted gone. Makes me cringe even typing about this right now because I almost damaged the progress I made in the last 13 months.

So when I did the walk of shame home, I texted him, demanding to know the reason why I was contacted out of the blue. Now, if he had been honest and said he wanted to have a booty call, I would have been alright about it but he wouldn’t give me a direct answer. After giving him the proverbial finger, I deleted the text and hope to never hear from him ever again. Even then, that would be too soon.

I never want to be that girl that allows someone to destroy her confidence because she doesn’t feel like anyone wants to be with her. He knew how to fuck with my heartstrings and I finally realized that I don’t need that in my life. No one deserves to have a person undermine their self-esteem. Now, I honestly want to have physical relationships with people with no emotions. Less mess that way and plus, I love making new friends with cute boys.

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Stay Single my Friends,

Melissa