You’re Not the One I Wanted After All.

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We all have that one person in our romantic past; the one that was apparently the one. You doodle their name encircled in hearts all over your Intro to Literature notebook and you swear that the sun shines brightly out of their ass. The two of you date for certain amount of time then out of nowhere…

You get dumped for no fucking reason.

Now, your story doesn’t end there because you’re a sadist and consistently go on and off with this person for an extended amount of time, substantially longer than the initial relationship. Well, there are the occasional filler people you would have during your down time but this torturous relationship has become so routine that when it finally stops, you crave it.

Exhibiting mild symptoms of addiction such as obsession, withdrawal and social isolation, people around you are there to have you break that cycle in your life. When you become successful, the littlest of relapse can become detrimental to your entire being, both physically and mentally. Honestly, after going back and forth with this selfish piece of shit for 8 YEARS, I thought that chapter of my life was complete. Like shit bro, I gave you 29.6% of my life, just be like Felicia and go.  For the last 13 months, I was in a great place in my life due to the reduced amount of stress that I was experiencing. Then one night…

He decided to call me at 2am on a Saturday night.

Of course, I was with my girl friends at the closing night of a Midtown bar, 5 Jameson shots deep when I noticed I had a few missed calls. The initial thought was like, he must be dying because he basically told me to go fuck myself the last time we made contact. Normally, I would have my over analytical mindset talk me out of answering those calls, the whiskey induced hornball brain I had decided to take a different approach on the situation. I humoured him because, yes, I was incredibly horny and the last encounter I had been less than promising. After the 2 hour escapade that involved a hot tub, I reverted to the crying, emotional 25-year-old I was when he finally decided to end all romantic ties with me, 2 years before he decided to sever all ties with me.

I never had an outer body experience before this moment and it freaked me out. Must have been the 3 additional shots of Black Label I had when we got together that but that experience was needed. One thing you never want to do is destroy something you had a struggle rebuilding and I was not going to do it to myself again. Arguing with him for another hour before knocking out was mentally exhausting because it rehashed emotions that I wanted gone. Makes me cringe even typing about this right now because I almost damaged the progress I made in the last 13 months.

So when I did the walk of shame home, I texted him, demanding to know the reason why I was contacted out of the blue. Now, if he had been honest and said he wanted to have a booty call, I would have been alright about it but he wouldn’t give me a direct answer. After giving him the proverbial finger, I deleted the text and hope to never hear from him ever again. Even then, that would be too soon.

I never want to be that girl that allows someone to destroy her confidence because she doesn’t feel like anyone wants to be with her. He knew how to fuck with my heartstrings and I finally realized that I don’t need that in my life. No one deserves to have a person undermine their self-esteem. Now, I honestly want to have physical relationships with people with no emotions. Less mess that way and plus, I love making new friends with cute boys.

credit: stupidcupidblog.wordpress.com

Stay Single my Friends,

Melissa

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Trying It Out Before You Buy.

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I always loved this saying since I was a child, obviously before I knew the actual meaning of the phrase.

“Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?”

The negative connotation behind this phrase makes me mad. Why is sampling the product before you make an investment such a terrible thing? You don’t get heat for test driving a car before you take it out of the lot, right? So why give me grief if I want to see how the chemistry before I want to get to know him at all? One thing I hate more than anything is wasting my time because time is something I find precious. Another reason? If I wait too long to see what’s going on under the hood, I might miss the window for the return policy and I don’t want an even exchange.

Sure, I tend to hook up far more frequently now I’m in my late 20s than I did when I was in college but I’m trying to get a feeler on what’s out there. The curiosity factor comes into play; you’re wondering how that person is in bed. People have personas that make them seem one type of way but behind closed doors, it’s like the Jekyll/Hyde effect. There has to be something about the effect that alcohol has on an individual because for some reason, I always have to do the dip as soon as the deed is done. I usually have no problem doing the walk of shame but at the same time, it would be better if it was actually worth it.

A potential pitfall about this method is that you find that one amazing hook up and come to realize that it was a one time deal. It has happened a few times in the past and it’s a fucking shame because it’s a tease. It’s like, you try an amazing piece of cake and come to find out that the sole baker of that cake moves away, thus you not having that cake again for the rest of your days. It’s a terrible way to live, right? I mean, not that terrible but if you want that cake again, you’re shit out of luck.

So don’t ever feel ashamed about testing out the waters before jumping in. You don’t want to dive in and getting hurt because you didn’t realize it was a shallow end.

 

Tootles Bitches,

Melissa

Guess Who Is Not Coming To Dinner.

  credit: someecards.com

I mean, luckily for me, this wouldn’t be a pressing topic during this year’s bird fest at my mom’s house.

Honestly, I can’t remember the last time I brought a boyfriend or even a date of the opposite sex home for Thanksgiving. For all I know, my ex-fiance might have been the last guy to set foot into my mom’s house and we split in 2006. So if I do my calculations correctly, it’s has been 9 fucking years I’ve been flying solo during Turkey Day. The silver lining to not bringing a date, more food to stuff my face with and not worrying about getting too drunk and embarrassing my date. A box wine or 3 is what I usually ingest during EACH holiday. What can I say? Not a fan of the holiday season.

Dawning on me this year that it will be just be me and my mom during our fest, kind of made me realize that I’ve been single during every Holiday since I was 19. For some reason, I avoid relationships like the plague during the months of October and March. Could it be that I hate the fake interest that my family imposes on a potential suitor during introductions? Or maybe I’m too much of a cheap ass to buy someone not only a Christmas gift, but something for Valentine’s Day? Whatever the reason it is, just happens to work out for me in that way. Sometimes, it’s better off to not rock the boat.

Being told countless times that the Holiday season is the perfect time to be love is a crock of shit. My line of work is retail and if the last two week has been an indication of anything, I won’t have time to shower, let alone date. Next Wednesday is Thanksgiving Eve. For those that live under a rock, it’s one of the biggest party nights of year, up there with Cinco De Mayo and St Patrick’s Day. You get to see all of your friends that are home for Thanksgiving and get shit faced because everyone is off from work the next day. If I play my cards right, I’ll be with my ladies and maybe sucking some dude’s face for the night.

Taking a few days off from partying in anticipation of this crazy single girl Holiday season is what needs to be done. Good for Charles Manson for finally getting married. He’s 80 years old and in prison so I have plenty of time to fall in love before getting hitched. Like 52 years is a long ass time because for all I know, the man of my dreams isn’t born yet.

Too-la-loo bitches!

One Strike Left.

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So in my line of work, the glorious world of retail, I get to interact with people from all walks of life. It was stupid slow where there was more workers than customers one day, so we got to have full blown conversations. There was a person, I come to find out was in her early 30s with one of her kids. When I told her I was childless and single at 28, she said, “Good, because you’re too young anyway.”

Wait a minute, did this lady read my blog? Didn’t we have a conversation about this a few days back? In all seriousness, I was taken aback by her comment because I’ve felt nothing but pressure lately to get hitched. We continued to converse and discovered the source of her comment. She got married at 22, the same age I would have gotten married from my first engagement. Not once mentioning her husband, made me wonder if they were in a good place or not.

Psh, probably not.

Being engaged twice, at 19 and 26, were two life changing experiences for me. Yes, I just broke off an engagement about a year ago. There was no way I could commit myself to someone when I change my mind about things every 30 seconds. Another thing that made me walk away from both guys is that I clearly love myself more than I ever cared about them. Call me selfish, I don’t give a fuck, but I am my number 1 priority in my life until the day I die. No one, and I mean no one, loves me like I love me. Plus, who needs a man when I’m just a two train trip to the West Village where I can buy a vibrator. Am I right? Sure, it does get lonely from time to time but when I hug my ladybug Pillow Pet at night, the pain subsides.

With that being said, the thought of looking for a relationship is the farthest from my mind. The pressure of marriage still looms over my head and I’m fed up with this shit. At this moment, I am experiencing little to no stress because of the fact that I don’t have a guy barking at me for living my life. Now, I get to go out, get as shit faced as I want and don’t have to worry about making someone look bad because apparently, I only attracted judgmental bros. I’m awesome on my own too, you know.

Bye Felicias.

 

Paola Melissas

 

Miscounting Those Damn Chickens

When you’re in a brand spanking new relationship, it’s hard not to think all of the supposed “amazing” possibilities of where it will go. I mean, the newlywed stage of any relationship is both exciting and frightening. One thing that I wish I could have told myself three years ago?

No bullshit is worth putting your whole life on hold for.

Truth be told, I was in a situation where I was technically in a long distance relationship with a guy for three years. When him and I first met, it was a love story that only those cheesy romance novelists could orchestrate. I was acting very naive for the first time since my first engagement (don’t worry, that juicy story will come soon). Granted, I wanted my life at the time to come full circle but I went about it the wrong way.

Long story short, I recently discovered that through Social Media, he had another person in his life. I always felt that there was always someone else but just the way the piece fell was extremely shitty. Mind you, he had proposed marriage after only knowing each other for a year. In retrospect, I’m thankful I didn’t say yes, that I made him wait to this day for a response. I mean, if you want to see someone else, do you boo boo. Just don’t play me for a fool.

My main thought is that I don’t cry over shit like this. I always treat it like it’s their loss and not mine. Now, I know exactly what you’re thinking. Why does Melissa think that way? I’ve always thought highly of myself. Calling me awesome and a bad ass is an understatement in my eyes. People gravitate me from all walks of life so if I’m not wanted, womp womp for you my friend.

That is one piece of advice I want to share with all of my single people. Own being single and develop that swag. Mind you, I wasn’t always this confident. There was a point in my life where I felt like if a guy didn’t want me, it was all of my fault. Over time, I’ve developed this mentality that kept me strong. Hear me out lovelies, it gets better when you get older. Yes, it sounds so stupid but trust me. I may be single, for now, but I’m having the time of my life.

You want to hear about my first engagement? I don’t think you’re ready for it. 😉

 

Too la loo bitches.

Resolutions are for Squares.

New Year's Resolutions

 

 

 

 

 

 

You hear the same things around this time every year:

I’m going to start a diet and lose weight!

I think I’ll become more adventurous.

Being frugal is something I should look into doing.

Whatever happened to being content with the person you are? It just might be me but New Year Resolutions are absolutely pointless. I have yet to meet an individual that has kept their resolution for 365 days. Sure, you want to sound like you want to have your shit together and accomplish something. Is there a need to announce it to the entire world though? Nothing irks me more than logging on to my Facebook page after an all night drinking binge to read people trying to change their lives.  All of these people that try to please the world made me vomit that morning, not the 12 shots of Jameson that I had from the night before.

You’re probably sitting in front of your computer thinking, ‘Who does this self-righteous bitch think she is?’ Let me explain quickly to you.  To quote Barney Stintson from the show How I Met Your Mother, “I Don’t Get Sad, I Get Awesome.” There. I used to dwell on the so-called imperfections in my life until the year I ended behind bars for being reckless and under-aged. In that moment, I started to give no fucks about anything that I did in my life. Sure, I’ve made shitty decisions but I owned those choices. Those particular bad life decisions has led me down the road to the person that I am today, so why change that?

Sure, I can lose a few pounds and stop making it rain at the bar by buying shots for strangers. That I should be saving up money so I can move out of my mom’s couch. I don’t need it to be January 1st of any year to make those “grown-up” decisions about how I should be living my life. In the words of a rampant toddler, I’LL DO WHAT I WANT.

By the way, Happy New Year guys. Continue to make bad decisions, I know I will.

Caught in Saran Wrap.

credit to themorningnews.org

I was on a mission to have some serious fun this past summer. Meaning? I often tend to get myself in situations of one night stands. One thing I always forget to mentally prepare myself for is the inevitable stage-5 clinger. Why isn’t there a world wide memo for all of the single people in the world. There should be a handbook on how to tactfully handle a one night stand or a weekend of fun without coming off as a psycho stalker.

There has been a HUGE misconception that women are generally the one’s that attached to someone after having a moment of hot sweaty bliss. In reality, men are starting to react in that behavior. As a woman on the prowl, I come in with the expectation of no strings. Instead, I get clung on to like a dog in heat, humping on your leg. I mean, granted, the 7 shots of Jameson REALLY did me in. What do you expect? I’m at the Jersey Shore at a club, of course I was going to get free shots all night. But I digress. What had blown my mind was the amount of attention he was demanding post-coitus. Nothing is more annoying that a string of questions that would make someone come off as extremely needy. Why does it matter if this was a one time deal or if I liked you? You got what you wanted out of the night, so don’t make it more than what it was.

What it really boils down to is, Summer means no strings. Unless the person you plan on hooking up with it makes it common knowledge that they’re looking for something more, don’t make it more than what it is. I honestly thought the kid was cool to hang with before we got naked. Now? Not so much. Such a shame too because now when we are in the same room, shit gets hella awkward. Well in my defense, he makes it awkward for me and everyone else.  Remember folks, Saran Wrap is quite difficult to remove.