Can it be February 15th Already?

 

 

Here we are again. When you work at a place that capitalizes on Valentine’s Day, you can’t escape the love birds that you have to interact with until February 15th. After a few years in the game, it doesn’t bother me but I’m pretty sure there’s some people who need those survival tips. Tired of your relationships giving you the shit about being single on the 14th? First off, they can go away because you’re awesome on your own. Secondly, peep this list below because this is how I’ve survived every Valentine’s day ever since I told my ex-fiance to fall down a flight of stairs.

1. Don’t Believe The Hype.

Trust me when I say, your wallet would be so thankful for this. Spending money on outfits, going to a superfluous restaurant for an overpriced prix-fixe meal and buying flowers that have a shelf life of 4 days is quite unnecessary. Use that money that you saved on this day and go somewhere fun like Miami (I’m quite biased because I fucking live for South Beach) or binge drink at the bar. At the end of the day, you being single gives you options.

2. Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Don’t Make me a Match.

Everyone in your circle thinks they have the best intentions for you. “Oh, don’t be alone on this day.” or “I know this really cute person at my job who just so happens to be single.” Seriously, back off and let a girl breathe! It’s only one day and I can guarantee that I will never see this person again so, why force something to happen. Plus, from experience, your date can get stage-5 clinger quickly. Not a cute look at all.

3. Keep Being Single and Carry on.

You’re awesome all on your own and don’t let the social norms dictate that otherwise for you. I’m fully aware that now, in ny thirties, the expectation to be locked down in a marriage is higher than ever. How many fucks do I give? None. And neither should you. Whatever your reason is to be single, stand your ground and don’t let the pressure consume you. The last thing anyone should subject themselves to is an unhappy relationship.

Look, February 14th is just another Tuesday to me this year that I’ll treat it as such. Just don’t be caught on the 13th and thinking you can get something with no strings attached. You’ll regret it, trust me.
Any tips on how you survive this holiday as an awesome single person? Share in the comments below.

Peace out cub scout,

Melissa

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Shoulda. Woulda. Coulda.

credit: someecards.com

credit: someecards.com

We all have them. The people in our lives where the curiosity sets in when it comes to the bedroom. You’ve heard stories, the gawking intensifies and there could be some mildly flirting. Now, you’re at an impasse. To bone or not to bone?  I’m pretty sure that was what Shakespeare was trying to say in Hamlet, I’m sure of it. Confidence sets in but before pulling the trigger, that painful question sets in.

Is it really worth it?

There are tons of scenarios that can come out of having sex with a friend. The best case scenario is that the two of you are on the same page and it’s blissful. For the past 7 years, me and my bro have been rocking it out and it made our friendship strong. Other friends in my life? Not so much. Lightening doesn’t strike the same place twice and there’s no need to rock the boat. Don’t take my word on it because every friendship has a different dynamic. Feel it out first by having hypothetical conversations because you know what they say when you assume things? You make an ass out of you and me. 

What I’m really trying to say is tread lightly and talk about it as soon as you can after it happens. Sweeping it under the rug just gives the elephant in the room more food and doesn’t want to budge. Addressing it bring clarity to the situation and if the friendship falls apart, then that person was a lame ass. If they couldn’t handle a sexual relationship without over analyzing the situation, it wasn’t worth it. At the end of the day, you need to worry about you and only you. Don’t need to surround yourself with people who have no clue how to have fun.

Just remember one thing, feelings, amongst other things, is something you don’t want to catch. Mentally prepare yourself for the worst because no one likes to sidelined. But just remember to think one thing, this is a two way street. As consenting adults, you both chose to get naked so brace yourself.

To make it short, just do it because you don’t want to regret not making the move. The only regrets one should have in life is for the things you didn’t do. Make sure you throw a rubber on it because no one likes pregnancy. Be grown up about it and don’t over think it. Whatever happens will happen and there’s no need to drive yourself mental thinking about possible outcomes. Embrace and if they have central air, make it a summer time thing for sure.

Peace Out Cub Scouts.

Melissa

 

Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind.

credit: someecards.com

credit: someecards.com

In the age of Millennials, we tend overshare everything. From taking Snapchats on the toilet to posting photos of Vietnamese Pho soup on Instragram, we have taken ‘sharing is caring’ too fucking far. Sure, some people might get a kick of your posts but slow your roll. Want to go overboard and lose friends quickly? Just start talking about your relationship on all sectors of Social Media. Nothing will alienate you faster than boasting about your new companion.

Before you get this whole entire post twisted, I’m truly happy for those that finds someone who tolerates them longer than the 30 minute intervals I usually give other humans. In true style of my idol, Kanye West, I’m going to eventually let you finish, but hear me out first. No one cares! Not to sound like the heartless wrench that I am, but I’m being honest. Tone it down with the tagging of Facebook status and the #TBTs of your first date. You know the saying, ‘Less is More’? Take that shit with a massive grain of salt.

Let me give you some insight on why I feel this way. Dated a guy in college and of course, I was on Cloud 9. Took me a while to get him to entertain the idea to date me so, in true fashion, I blew that shit up on Social Media. Things where fine at first, until I got bit by the ugly green monster and flipped out when other broads would write on his wall or comment on a picture. Fights started to brew and after a few weeks of bliss, shit hit the fan. We called it quits after 4 months and it dawned on me. If I wasn’t so caught up with our online relationship, I could’ve appreciated what we had off the grid.

Here’s the Sparknotes version: keep it on the DL. For all you guys know, I could be married and you wouldn’t fucking know it. Okay, well I’m not married but you get the idea, right? The relationship should be truly enjoyed for those involved and only them. Yes, you like or even love each other but no need to prove it to the world. To me, that screams insecurity to have to blast it out there almost every day. Take the relationship for face value and embrace it. If you want to keep sharing, do you boo-boo. Just be careful?

 

Kthnxbye.

Melissa Henry

You Need To Keep It Cool.

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Summer is here and as I slowly inch closer to 30, I’ve decided to make this upcoming season count. With that in mind, I feel like sharing my game plan with the world. I can’t be the only person that is going hard for the next three months, so here are my pearls of wisdom.

Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff.

First impressions are so crucial in order to get inside those pants tonight. Do everyone a favor, don’t ramble like a crazy person. I know that may sound extremely harsh but honestly, they are not there for the small talk. Keep it basic, you don’t even have to give out your full name. The less information you give away, the smaller chance you’ll get Facebook stalked if shit hits the fan. Trust me, you don’t want to be stalked throughout all social media avenues. Not a cute look.

Keep It Cool, Baby. 

Chances are, the person you’re making out after 5 shots of Tequila isn’t going to be your newest boyfriend/girlfriend. The last thing you want to do is to freak this person out by speaking words of commitment. Summer has become synonymous with hot and steamy hookups, so don’t make it more than it needs to be. Now, if it lasts the whole season and your curiosity peaks around September, then the two of you could have the talk. For now, just enjoy yourselves and put a condom on it.

Be Prepared

Ah yes, the mantra of the Boy Scouts. At the end of the day, you never know where the night will lead you. With that in mind, you have to keep an open mind and the essential tools. I get it, you want to look like the sexiest person in the room but you have to keep in mind of the walk of shame you’ll be doing in the morning. It can be as simple as packing up a pair of sunglasses, some Aspirin and a pair of stockings or leggings to make your commute home easier. If taking public transit is undesirable, I totally recommend using the LYFT app. I have found it to be cheaper than Uber and just as efficient. You don’t want to feel guilty about the amazing night you had by having those jealous, judgmental people staring you down. They’re envious that they couldn’t do what you did last night, don’t let the haters hold you down!

Just remember one thing, you need to have fun. Of course, you need to be careful because the last thing you want is catch something gross like or worse… Pregnancy. So as I get older and find myself less likely to want to settle down, I plan on taking it a day at a time.

Peace Out Cub Scouts.

Melissa

 

 

Passive Agression Doesn’t Lead to Success

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One of my worst personality traits is that I can be extremely passive aggressive. Yes, it gets you no where but being I absolutely hate confrontation, it’s my only solution. Now, imagine being passive aggressive and you date someone that identical. That would send your head into a tailspin. So what’s a girl to do?

Recently, I’ve met a guy that I fancied and I knew that I had to control myself. The last time I came off strong, let’s just say I’m blocked on all social media from ever contacting him. Needless to say, I needed to come out with a new game plan in order to be successful. The light bulb in my head dinged and I thought, maybe I shouldn’t text or call him a whole bunch. Logic in my head was, if I gave the bare minimum in response, I won’t come off as needy.

What a fucking terrible idea

As time progressed, the responses started to become sparse and I was beginning to think that he lost all complete interest in me. Being the person I am, I decided to brush it off. Then paranoia sets in and I needed to find out for myself the truth behind it all.

It was my apparent disinterest in him.

Well shit, I guess it was me. Call me old fashioned but I always felt that it was in the role of the guy to initiate conversation. But I guess the learning curve has shifted… Long story short, I need to start being more assertive if I want anything positive to happen to me.

Maybe the next guy I’ll meet will be the one that I would want to exhaust my vocal chords, in more than one way of course. Time is the devil in all of this because who knows when that’ll take place. Until then, just need to keep living and stop being a fucking hermit crab. With summer quickly approaching, this will be the time for me to shine.

Until then my fellow thots

Too da loo

Melissa.

Trying It Out Before You Buy.

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I always loved this saying since I was a child, obviously before I knew the actual meaning of the phrase.

“Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?”

The negative connotation behind this phrase makes me mad. Why is sampling the product before you make an investment such a terrible thing? You don’t get heat for test driving a car before you take it out of the lot, right? So why give me grief if I want to see how the chemistry before I want to get to know him at all? One thing I hate more than anything is wasting my time because time is something I find precious. Another reason? If I wait too long to see what’s going on under the hood, I might miss the window for the return policy and I don’t want an even exchange.

Sure, I tend to hook up far more frequently now I’m in my late 20s than I did when I was in college but I’m trying to get a feeler on what’s out there. The curiosity factor comes into play; you’re wondering how that person is in bed. People have personas that make them seem one type of way but behind closed doors, it’s like the Jekyll/Hyde effect. There has to be something about the effect that alcohol has on an individual because for some reason, I always have to do the dip as soon as the deed is done. I usually have no problem doing the walk of shame but at the same time, it would be better if it was actually worth it.

A potential pitfall about this method is that you find that one amazing hook up and come to realize that it was a one time deal. It has happened a few times in the past and it’s a fucking shame because it’s a tease. It’s like, you try an amazing piece of cake and come to find out that the sole baker of that cake moves away, thus you not having that cake again for the rest of your days. It’s a terrible way to live, right? I mean, not that terrible but if you want that cake again, you’re shit out of luck.

So don’t ever feel ashamed about testing out the waters before jumping in. You don’t want to dive in and getting hurt because you didn’t realize it was a shallow end.

 

Tootles Bitches,

Melissa

Surviving Summer 2014.

credit: sd.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk

Ahh yes, Summer unofficially starts in 7 days with Memorial Day Weekend. To commemorate the first official single summer I’ve had in 3 years, I feel like I should share my game plan for the summer with all of you. It’s all about having the right strategy and keeping your game face on. One rookie mistake that I see a lot of newly single females do is taking on too much in one night. Ladies, you need to calm the fuck down and pace yourself. Whether you’re planning to be hella ratchet at the club or having a classy night out with your broads, take the following into account.

The Bitch Brigade.

You need to surround yourself with top-tier party and/or slutty girls in order to make your night a success. The last thing you want is to have Negative Nancy bitching about being tired at 11:30 p.m. when you haven’t even finished your 3rd Vodka & Tonic. Leave the cry babies at home and bring out the best of the best. You need that female wingwoman that is not only trying to get herself laid, but to make sure you get that one night stand you desire. Your cup is never empty because you all will be buying rounds of shots to keep it moving til 4 am and will hold your hair back when you gotta yak that Wendy’s you ate before going out.

Don’t Stop Moving

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Look, I know the importance of an amazing outfit and how every detail matters. But for crying out loud, if you can’t wear heels, keep them home. If you know damn well you’re a sloppy drunk, get some hella cute flats and call it a day. The last thing you want to do is to be dry humping a hottie on the dance floor and end up in the Emergency Room because you busted your ass while wearing 5 inch heels. Want to wear those Jimmy Choo’s you got on discount at the outlets? Make sure to hit up your local CVS or Duane Reade to get some disposable flats for that walk of shame in the morning. Trust me, it’ll be the best $10 you’ll spend this summer.

Balling on a Budget.

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Pre-gaming is an art form that needs to be taken seriously when you plan on hitting the town this summer. Learning to budget yourself is so essential because by binge drinking at home before heading out will save you extra money for that cab ride home. Just remember one thing, don’t get too turnt up at your girl’s house. If that douchey bouncer sees the slightest bit of drunkenness in your face, he will deny your ass. Do what I do: drink a few beers and shots at my girl’s house then bring an iced tea bottle that’s filled with rum and diet coke. That way, I keep my buzz going on my way to the club and I would only need to buy 1-2 drinks at $11 a piece. I know my drunk ass will be too lazy to take the subway and I need that $1 slice to survive the commute home.

Wrap It Up

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Nothing pains me more than hearing someone scream through the phone, “HOLY SHIT I’M 2 WEEKS LATE!!!!!” after knowing that your girl went home with that creeper that brought her that Malibu Bay Breeze. Do not assume that guys always carry condoms with them because, well… just don’t make that assumption. Be bold and bring rubbers with you during your journey. Yes, it does come off a bit presumptuous and slutty but since when do you care about how people saw you? The only thing I am concerned with is not catching something like Chlamydia or worse… pregnancy.

Window of Opportunity

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Keep it moving girl. No one wants to be hung up on one person for 100 days when you can have 100 guys every single day during the summer. I mean, if you can handle that many men in one season, YOU GO GLEN COCO. The point that I’m trying to get accross that if that guy doesn’t call you back, on to the next. You have a small time frame to wear your skimpiest clothing and grab as many numbers as you physically could. Sure, your summer fling might end up being your future boyfriend but don’t hold your breath. Always have plans B-Z if plan A doesn’t pan out for you. It’s not cute to be waiting for your phone to ring because I’m pretty sure he won’t do the same for you.

 

Just remember one thing ladies, it’s all about you. Whether you’ve been single for 5 minutes or 5 months, the point is to live it up. Do all of the things you were nervous to do when you were in a relationship and say fuck it. Enjoy your summer whether it’s in South Beach getting your tan on or a ladies weekend in Las Vegas. Drink hard and party harder because once Labor Day rolls around, you’re stuck with heavy clothing unless you hit up Cancun in October. Don’t let anyone rain on your parade and allow them to judge you. People are going to drink haterade and look down on you. Ironically, those judgemental tools are the ones who don’t know how to have a great time and get loose. Remember, you’re sexy, single and sassy, so do you boo boo.

Toodles Bitches,

Melissa