Ex Isn’t Short for Exception.

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Your ex.

That false sense of comfort that give is almost as fake as Lisa Rinna’s lips. The one thing you need to remember is that in the words of Admiral Ackbar…

Credit: giphy

Now, let’s rewind a bit to March.

I have not spoken to my ex boyfriend in about 2 years . Trust me, it took all the strength in my core to not drunk text him and get laid. Alas, I purposely forgot his number and abused the shit out of my Tinder for new booty. In this time span, I was able to realign with things I should have made important like friends, my career and traveling. But like with all fuck boys, they have a 6th sense to know when to show up and create chaos.

The story is all the same : they drunk text you, you entertain it and thus, the vicious cycle begins. Curiosity got the best of me and I agreed to his invitation to connect over drinks. The biggest concern was that I was going to fall weak to his advances and end my night hating myself.

50 shades of NOPE! The feeling of knowing that you look exponentially better than when you last dated is better than any drug I’ve tried. Like home boy was looking rough. Needless to say, I was curious to see whatever he had to say that he couldn’t say through text.

After pointless filler conversation, I finally was able to find out how was on his end. Single after being wi 6th someone for 15 months. Of course that’s why he got in contact with me because my apparent perception is that I’m the back up. Yeah, no.

Entertained him the whole night and went along our own way. Quite frankly, why go back to eating Spam when you’ve dined on filet mignon? Yeah, I know you wouldn’t revert to your old ways either.

Sure, the comfort level that you had with your ex is inviting and who doesn’t like safety but at the end of the day, there was a reason why that relationship ended. Be like Elsa and let that shit go. Honestly, I did kind of find it flattering that I’m still living in his brain rent free but boy byee.

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Shoulda. Woulda. Coulda.

credit: someecards.com

credit: someecards.com

We all have them. The people in our lives where the curiosity sets in when it comes to the bedroom. You’ve heard stories, the gawking intensifies and there could be some mildly flirting. Now, you’re at an impasse. To bone or not to bone?  I’m pretty sure that was what Shakespeare was trying to say in Hamlet, I’m sure of it. Confidence sets in but before pulling the trigger, that painful question sets in.

Is it really worth it?

There are tons of scenarios that can come out of having sex with a friend. The best case scenario is that the two of you are on the same page and it’s blissful. For the past 7 years, me and my bro have been rocking it out and it made our friendship strong. Other friends in my life? Not so much. Lightening doesn’t strike the same place twice and there’s no need to rock the boat. Don’t take my word on it because every friendship has a different dynamic. Feel it out first by having hypothetical conversations because you know what they say when you assume things? You make an ass out of you and me. 

What I’m really trying to say is tread lightly and talk about it as soon as you can after it happens. Sweeping it under the rug just gives the elephant in the room more food and doesn’t want to budge. Addressing it bring clarity to the situation and if the friendship falls apart, then that person was a lame ass. If they couldn’t handle a sexual relationship without over analyzing the situation, it wasn’t worth it. At the end of the day, you need to worry about you and only you. Don’t need to surround yourself with people who have no clue how to have fun.

Just remember one thing, feelings, amongst other things, is something you don’t want to catch. Mentally prepare yourself for the worst because no one likes to sidelined. But just remember to think one thing, this is a two way street. As consenting adults, you both chose to get naked so brace yourself.

To make it short, just do it because you don’t want to regret not making the move. The only regrets one should have in life is for the things you didn’t do. Make sure you throw a rubber on it because no one likes pregnancy. Be grown up about it and don’t over think it. Whatever happens will happen and there’s no need to drive yourself mental thinking about possible outcomes. Embrace and if they have central air, make it a summer time thing for sure.

Peace Out Cub Scouts.

Melissa

 

New Year, Old Me.

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It’s that time of year where every single person in your life is going to attempt to live by the mantra, “New Year, New Me.” Why should anyone wait until January 1st of a new year to change themselves as a person. More importantly, why change period? For me, 2015 would probably more of a regression than a progression in certain aspects of my life. You’re probably screaming profanities at your screen because people should move forward and not backwards. To a degree, I do agree with you but when it comes to personal relationships, taking a few notes from the past could be beneficial.

The Holidays Season is the time of year where people have a minor crisis because when they log into any social media platform, they cringe when they see engagement and pregnancy announcements. Instead of enjoying the freedom they have, they want to squander it all by forcing a monogamous relationship that did not develop organically. Take a minute and truly reflect on what is going on in your life before you drag someone in your hot mess. Personally, I’m too much of a catastrophe to let anyone else in and I’m completely content with that. Remember, do you boo boo but at the same time, don’t completely re-mold your life in order to confide in what people would consider social norms and shack yourself in a relationship. Desperation is and will never be a cute look. Ever.

So in honor of reverting back to a younger me, I’m going to revisit my life circa 2009. This was a time in my life were I was slowly losing whatever shame I had in my life at age 23. Granted, I’m a little more financial stable now than I was at the time, I loved my mind set then. Being all about partying and just enjoying the company of various guys allowed me to never be in a state of routine. Now that I’m fully aware that the concept of a monogamous relationship disgusts me and not a possibility, let me enjoy the end of my twenties the way I want, as a single broke hot mess.

 

Whelp.

I think I made a resolution.

 

Oh Well. Later

Guess Who Is Not Coming To Dinner.

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I mean, luckily for me, this wouldn’t be a pressing topic during this year’s bird fest at my mom’s house.

Honestly, I can’t remember the last time I brought a boyfriend or even a date of the opposite sex home for Thanksgiving. For all I know, my ex-fiance might have been the last guy to set foot into my mom’s house and we split in 2006. So if I do my calculations correctly, it’s has been 9 fucking years I’ve been flying solo during Turkey Day. The silver lining to not bringing a date, more food to stuff my face with and not worrying about getting too drunk and embarrassing my date. A box wine or 3 is what I usually ingest during EACH holiday. What can I say? Not a fan of the holiday season.

Dawning on me this year that it will be just be me and my mom during our fest, kind of made me realize that I’ve been single during every Holiday since I was 19. For some reason, I avoid relationships like the plague during the months of October and March. Could it be that I hate the fake interest that my family imposes on a potential suitor during introductions? Or maybe I’m too much of a cheap ass to buy someone not only a Christmas gift, but something for Valentine’s Day? Whatever the reason it is, just happens to work out for me in that way. Sometimes, it’s better off to not rock the boat.

Being told countless times that the Holiday season is the perfect time to be love is a crock of shit. My line of work is retail and if the last two week has been an indication of anything, I won’t have time to shower, let alone date. Next Wednesday is Thanksgiving Eve. For those that live under a rock, it’s one of the biggest party nights of year, up there with Cinco De Mayo and St Patrick’s Day. You get to see all of your friends that are home for Thanksgiving and get shit faced because everyone is off from work the next day. If I play my cards right, I’ll be with my ladies and maybe sucking some dude’s face for the night.

Taking a few days off from partying in anticipation of this crazy single girl Holiday season is what needs to be done. Good for Charles Manson for finally getting married. He’s 80 years old and in prison so I have plenty of time to fall in love before getting hitched. Like 52 years is a long ass time because for all I know, the man of my dreams isn’t born yet.

Too-la-loo bitches!

One Strike Left.

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So in my line of work, the glorious world of retail, I get to interact with people from all walks of life. It was stupid slow where there was more workers than customers one day, so we got to have full blown conversations. There was a person, I come to find out was in her early 30s with one of her kids. When I told her I was childless and single at 28, she said, “Good, because you’re too young anyway.”

Wait a minute, did this lady read my blog? Didn’t we have a conversation about this a few days back? In all seriousness, I was taken aback by her comment because I’ve felt nothing but pressure lately to get hitched. We continued to converse and discovered the source of her comment. She got married at 22, the same age I would have gotten married from my first engagement. Not once mentioning her husband, made me wonder if they were in a good place or not.

Psh, probably not.

Being engaged twice, at 19 and 26, were two life changing experiences for me. Yes, I just broke off an engagement about a year ago. There was no way I could commit myself to someone when I change my mind about things every 30 seconds. Another thing that made me walk away from both guys is that I clearly love myself more than I ever cared about them. Call me selfish, I don’t give a fuck, but I am my number 1 priority in my life until the day I die. No one, and I mean no one, loves me like I love me. Plus, who needs a man when I’m just a two train trip to the West Village where I can buy a vibrator. Am I right? Sure, it does get lonely from time to time but when I hug my ladybug Pillow Pet at night, the pain subsides.

With that being said, the thought of looking for a relationship is the farthest from my mind. The pressure of marriage still looms over my head and I’m fed up with this shit. At this moment, I am experiencing little to no stress because of the fact that I don’t have a guy barking at me for living my life. Now, I get to go out, get as shit faced as I want and don’t have to worry about making someone look bad because apparently, I only attracted judgmental bros. I’m awesome on my own too, you know.

Bye Felicias.

 

Paola Melissas

 

Ain’t Nobody Got Time for That.

Ah, yes. Recently, I’ve been getting asked that infuriating question as I approach the big 2-8. It would get paraphrased in ways such as ‘Shouldn’t you settle down already?’, ‘You’re getting too old for one-night stands’, or my personal favorite, ‘You can’t really afford to be picky with guys at your old age’.

Let’s go back in time shall we?

Since the beginning of this millenium, I was not single. Yes, I was that person that was in relationship after relationship until I was 26. That’s more than a decade of not being single and always having a guy breathing down my neck. I will admit that I had daddy issues growing up in a sense that I felt the need of validation from a man to feel complete. There was a time in my life that being in a relationship, good or bad, was the key to my happiness. Now? Not so much.

10 boyfriends, 2 fiances and thousands of tears dropped, I feel like I’m truly living. I mean, there were breaks in between relationships while in college where I did have a friend or two but nothing to the degree that I am experiencing right now. To truly be free to do what I want and not giving any fucks is the most liberating sensation I have ever felt. Example? When I was with my first fiance from 17-20, I couldn’t even go to a dorm party that was down the hall. Now that I can do what I want, going out on a Tuesday night and pounding $1 bud lights then making out with a hot guy is what I do on a weekly basis.

I’m not saying that I wouldn’t be accepting of meeting an amazing guy and falling in love. What the point is, that is I’m not looking vigorously for it. There is nothing that can tell me that being single when I’m closer to 30 than 20 is wrong or shameful. Every person works on their own time frame and there needs to be an understanding of that. Yes, I like being single and having fun because I didn’t get to truly experience it before turning 25. You could  say I’m playing catch up but then again, who asked for your opinion bro?

Before you shun that really great friend of yours for not getting married, put yourself in their shoes. They’re saving a shit ton of money from not planning a wedding or feeding a miniature human life form so if they want to go to Bali or Madrid on a whim, they could. They are the jet-setters, the social butterflies and the risk takers. Living life the best way possible and on their own terms. If I have a bad time taking care of myself with a hangover after a night of binge-drinking with 22 year olds, how could I possibly take care of a tiny life form. Clearly, your expectations of me are unrealistic.

Now, if you don’t mind, I might go galavanting and drink some cheap brews because I can do whatever the fuck I want.

Too-la-loo fuckers,

Melissa.

Set Sail Ladies, It’s Fleet Week!

credit: Huffington Post

Single women in New York City have this week marked off in their calendars every single year. Well, except for last year because people in our Nation’s Capital decide to be cry babies and have a shutdown (breathe Melissa, breathe!!). I digress. Anyways, with Memorial Day being the unofficial kick off for Summer; Fleet Week is the countdown to the Holiday. For 6 glorious days, members who serve our country’s Navy, Marine and Coast Guard come to NYC to enjoy the sights and have our citizens show their appreciation for being selfless.

If you happen to be visiting NYC for Fleet Week, there are tons of events for you to do in the day time. Whether you want to get the grand tour of the ships that are docked in Manhattan or Staten Island or maybe be an awesome person and give some of our servicemen a tour of our city, there’s always something to do. While the cool stuff is during the day time, don’t forget that they are here to play.

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In my conquest of singledom this Summer, I definitely look forward to Fleet Week even though I met my most recent ex that week in 2011. That experience won’t damper on what I call “Christmas in May”. One thing I can not emphasize enough that it will be a jungle out there. I frequent many of the bars in the Broadway/Times Square area other times out of the year but for 6 days, they are so packed that you are going to get molested. You need to be on your A-Game because remember, there are at least 100 other single girls looking for the same thing as you.

Have a buddy system with your girlfriends! You will all get separated at one point so make sure you have a meeting spot after the night is over. I usually hit the bars with one or two other girls so that way we can’t lose each other. Whenever I walk into the bar whether it may be The Mean Fiddler or Pig ‘N Whistle, I make sure they know I’m in that bitch. Being a Navy Brat has given me the upper hand throughout the years in connecting with the hot sailors who want to have a good time. I gotta show my appreciation for our men in uniform somehow, right?

Maybe you’ll find your soul mate at the other end of the bar or the best sex session you’ve ever have, make this week count. This will be the precursor to how the rest of your summer will play out. If the guy doesn’t call you ever, don’t freak out. Remember, they have the same mind set that you have while they’re in our great city. Just make sure he wraps it up, Okay?

No Glove, No Love!

Toodles,

Melissa Henry