You Need To Keep It Cool.

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Summer is here and as I slowly inch closer to 30, I’ve decided to make this upcoming season count. With that in mind, I feel like sharing my game plan with the world. I can’t be the only person that is going hard for the next three months, so here are my pearls of wisdom.

Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff.

First impressions are so crucial in order to get inside those pants tonight. Do everyone a favor, don’t ramble like a crazy person. I know that may sound extremely harsh but honestly, they are not there for the small talk. Keep it basic, you don’t even have to give out your full name. The less information you give away, the smaller chance you’ll get Facebook stalked if shit hits the fan. Trust me, you don’t want to be stalked throughout all social media avenues. Not a cute look.

Keep It Cool, Baby. 

Chances are, the person you’re making out after 5 shots of Tequila isn’t going to be your newest boyfriend/girlfriend. The last thing you want to do is to freak this person out by speaking words of commitment. Summer has become synonymous with hot and steamy hookups, so don’t make it more than it needs to be. Now, if it lasts the whole season and your curiosity peaks around September, then the two of you could have the talk. For now, just enjoy yourselves and put a condom on it.

Be Prepared

Ah yes, the mantra of the Boy Scouts. At the end of the day, you never know where the night will lead you. With that in mind, you have to keep an open mind and the essential tools. I get it, you want to look like the sexiest person in the room but you have to keep in mind of the walk of shame you’ll be doing in the morning. It can be as simple as packing up a pair of sunglasses, some Aspirin and a pair of stockings or leggings to make your commute home easier. If taking public transit is undesirable, I totally recommend using the LYFT app. I have found it to be cheaper than Uber and just as efficient. You don’t want to feel guilty about the amazing night you had by having those jealous, judgmental people staring you down. They’re envious that they couldn’t do what you did last night, don’t let the haters hold you down!

Just remember one thing, you need to have fun. Of course, you need to be careful because the last thing you want is catch something gross like or worse… Pregnancy. So as I get older and find myself less likely to want to settle down, I plan on taking it a day at a time.

Peace Out Cub Scouts.

Melissa

 

 

You’re Not the One I Wanted After All.

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We all have that one person in our romantic past; the one that was apparently the one. You doodle their name encircled in hearts all over your Intro to Literature notebook and you swear that the sun shines brightly out of their ass. The two of you date for certain amount of time then out of nowhere…

You get dumped for no fucking reason.

Now, your story doesn’t end there because you’re a sadist and consistently go on and off with this person for an extended amount of time, substantially longer than the initial relationship. Well, there are the occasional filler people you would have during your down time but this torturous relationship has become so routine that when it finally stops, you crave it.

Exhibiting mild symptoms of addiction such as obsession, withdrawal and social isolation, people around you are there to have you break that cycle in your life. When you become successful, the littlest of relapse can become detrimental to your entire being, both physically and mentally. Honestly, after going back and forth with this selfish piece of shit for 8 YEARS, I thought that chapter of my life was complete. Like shit bro, I gave you 29.6% of my life, just be like Felicia and go.  For the last 13 months, I was in a great place in my life due to the reduced amount of stress that I was experiencing. Then one night…

He decided to call me at 2am on a Saturday night.

Of course, I was with my girl friends at the closing night of a Midtown bar, 5 Jameson shots deep when I noticed I had a few missed calls. The initial thought was like, he must be dying because he basically told me to go fuck myself the last time we made contact. Normally, I would have my over analytical mindset talk me out of answering those calls, the whiskey induced hornball brain I had decided to take a different approach on the situation. I humoured him because, yes, I was incredibly horny and the last encounter I had been less than promising. After the 2 hour escapade that involved a hot tub, I reverted to the crying, emotional 25-year-old I was when he finally decided to end all romantic ties with me, 2 years before he decided to sever all ties with me.

I never had an outer body experience before this moment and it freaked me out. Must have been the 3 additional shots of Black Label I had when we got together that but that experience was needed. One thing you never want to do is destroy something you had a struggle rebuilding and I was not going to do it to myself again. Arguing with him for another hour before knocking out was mentally exhausting because it rehashed emotions that I wanted gone. Makes me cringe even typing about this right now because I almost damaged the progress I made in the last 13 months.

So when I did the walk of shame home, I texted him, demanding to know the reason why I was contacted out of the blue. Now, if he had been honest and said he wanted to have a booty call, I would have been alright about it but he wouldn’t give me a direct answer. After giving him the proverbial finger, I deleted the text and hope to never hear from him ever again. Even then, that would be too soon.

I never want to be that girl that allows someone to destroy her confidence because she doesn’t feel like anyone wants to be with her. He knew how to fuck with my heartstrings and I finally realized that I don’t need that in my life. No one deserves to have a person undermine their self-esteem. Now, I honestly want to have physical relationships with people with no emotions. Less mess that way and plus, I love making new friends with cute boys.

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Stay Single my Friends,

Melissa

One Strike Left.

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So in my line of work, the glorious world of retail, I get to interact with people from all walks of life. It was stupid slow where there was more workers than customers one day, so we got to have full blown conversations. There was a person, I come to find out was in her early 30s with one of her kids. When I told her I was childless and single at 28, she said, “Good, because you’re too young anyway.”

Wait a minute, did this lady read my blog? Didn’t we have a conversation about this a few days back? In all seriousness, I was taken aback by her comment because I’ve felt nothing but pressure lately to get hitched. We continued to converse and discovered the source of her comment. She got married at 22, the same age I would have gotten married from my first engagement. Not once mentioning her husband, made me wonder if they were in a good place or not.

Psh, probably not.

Being engaged twice, at 19 and 26, were two life changing experiences for me. Yes, I just broke off an engagement about a year ago. There was no way I could commit myself to someone when I change my mind about things every 30 seconds. Another thing that made me walk away from both guys is that I clearly love myself more than I ever cared about them. Call me selfish, I don’t give a fuck, but I am my number 1 priority in my life until the day I die. No one, and I mean no one, loves me like I love me. Plus, who needs a man when I’m just a two train trip to the West Village where I can buy a vibrator. Am I right? Sure, it does get lonely from time to time but when I hug my ladybug Pillow Pet at night, the pain subsides.

With that being said, the thought of looking for a relationship is the farthest from my mind. The pressure of marriage still looms over my head and I’m fed up with this shit. At this moment, I am experiencing little to no stress because of the fact that I don’t have a guy barking at me for living my life. Now, I get to go out, get as shit faced as I want and don’t have to worry about making someone look bad because apparently, I only attracted judgmental bros. I’m awesome on my own too, you know.

Bye Felicias.

 

Paola Melissas

 

Miscounting Those Damn Chickens

When you’re in a brand spanking new relationship, it’s hard not to think all of the supposed “amazing” possibilities of where it will go. I mean, the newlywed stage of any relationship is both exciting and frightening. One thing that I wish I could have told myself three years ago?

No bullshit is worth putting your whole life on hold for.

Truth be told, I was in a situation where I was technically in a long distance relationship with a guy for three years. When him and I first met, it was a love story that only those cheesy romance novelists could orchestrate. I was acting very naive for the first time since my first engagement (don’t worry, that juicy story will come soon). Granted, I wanted my life at the time to come full circle but I went about it the wrong way.

Long story short, I recently discovered that through Social Media, he had another person in his life. I always felt that there was always someone else but just the way the piece fell was extremely shitty. Mind you, he had proposed marriage after only knowing each other for a year. In retrospect, I’m thankful I didn’t say yes, that I made him wait to this day for a response. I mean, if you want to see someone else, do you boo boo. Just don’t play me for a fool.

My main thought is that I don’t cry over shit like this. I always treat it like it’s their loss and not mine. Now, I know exactly what you’re thinking. Why does Melissa think that way? I’ve always thought highly of myself. Calling me awesome and a bad ass is an understatement in my eyes. People gravitate me from all walks of life so if I’m not wanted, womp womp for you my friend.

That is one piece of advice I want to share with all of my single people. Own being single and develop that swag. Mind you, I wasn’t always this confident. There was a point in my life where I felt like if a guy didn’t want me, it was all of my fault. Over time, I’ve developed this mentality that kept me strong. Hear me out lovelies, it gets better when you get older. Yes, it sounds so stupid but trust me. I may be single, for now, but I’m having the time of my life.

You want to hear about my first engagement? I don’t think you’re ready for it. 😉

 

Too la loo bitches.

Summertime Sadness.

Three solid months of day drinking, trips to the beach and the peak of Wedding season. In all honesty, I would rather suffer through ANOTHER heatwave than have to see another post on Facebook about someone’s martial bliss.

Don’t get me wrong, I support all of the decisions that my friends make in regards of their love life. Especially the poor decisions, I encourage those. As I inch closer and closer to 30, I sense this unnecessary pressure to get hitched, buy a house and start a family. Having your peers tell you that you kind of need to grow up is ridiculous. I mean, I had no idea there was an age limit for me to have all night rage sessions with the small group of single friends I have left. Who really wants to be a responsible adult anyways?

Growing up, Summer felt like the time of year that being single was something people wanted. Fall and Winter was designated for intense cuddle sessions due to the chilly temperatures. If you happen to hate sweat and body contact as much as I do, Summer would be the worst for you as it is for me. Holding a sweaty hand? I’d rather sit through a Justin Bieber concert.

Marriage? It’ll happen when I’m ready to sign away all of my freedoms. In all honesty, I’m secretly holding out for that person. You know what I’m talking about. The supposed ONE.  There’s still a glimmer of hope that he’s gallivanting out there like the bumbling baboon I’ll fall madly in love with.  Let me not cause a small lapse in depression. With this obnoxious heatwave, it’s too hot to be sad.