Can it be February 15th Already?

 

 

Here we are again. When you work at a place that capitalizes on Valentine’s Day, you can’t escape the love birds that you have to interact with until February 15th. After a few years in the game, it doesn’t bother me but I’m pretty sure there’s some people who need those survival tips. Tired of your relationships giving you the shit about being single on the 14th? First off, they can go away because you’re awesome on your own. Secondly, peep this list below because this is how I’ve survived every Valentine’s day ever since I told my ex-fiance to fall down a flight of stairs.

1. Don’t Believe The Hype.

Trust me when I say, your wallet would be so thankful for this. Spending money on outfits, going to a superfluous restaurant for an overpriced prix-fixe meal and buying flowers that have a shelf life of 4 days is quite unnecessary. Use that money that you saved on this day and go somewhere fun like Miami (I’m quite biased because I fucking live for South Beach) or binge drink at the bar. At the end of the day, you being single gives you options.

2. Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Don’t Make me a Match.

Everyone in your circle thinks they have the best intentions for you. “Oh, don’t be alone on this day.” or “I know this really cute person at my job who just so happens to be single.” Seriously, back off and let a girl breathe! It’s only one day and I can guarantee that I will never see this person again so, why force something to happen. Plus, from experience, your date can get stage-5 clinger quickly. Not a cute look at all.

3. Keep Being Single and Carry on.

You’re awesome all on your own and don’t let the social norms dictate that otherwise for you. I’m fully aware that now, in ny thirties, the expectation to be locked down in a marriage is higher than ever. How many fucks do I give? None. And neither should you. Whatever your reason is to be single, stand your ground and don’t let the pressure consume you. The last thing anyone should subject themselves to is an unhappy relationship.

Look, February 14th is just another Tuesday to me this year that I’ll treat it as such. Just don’t be caught on the 13th and thinking you can get something with no strings attached. You’ll regret it, trust me.
Any tips on how you survive this holiday as an awesome single person? Share in the comments below.

Peace out cub scout,

Melissa

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This is 30. 

Well, I had no idea my unintentional hiatus lasted  that long. Due to the nature of the circumstances I was experiencing at the time, I suppose it makes all the sense in the world. 
If there’s one thing I learned the hard way, is that relationships and I will never get along. During my 18 month hiatus, I decided to give my now 2nd most hated ex boyfriend another chance. We actually started planning out our future which would involve marriage and me moving from NYC to Virginia. At first glance, I thought I was going to put my single girl ways behind me. But, just as life would have it, I wouldn’t get my happy ending, someone else did instead. 

Bitter? It took 3 months to get over the fact that I had the wool over my eyes but eventually, I got over it. Am I thankful? Fuck yes. Why? Because I was going to be in a contractual agreement called marriage when in reality, I wasn’t about that life. Children? I’ll just spoil my baby cousins instead. 

Where does this leave me? This past October, I turned 30 and the pressures to conform to the social norms have never been stronger. What I vowed myself is to continue to go against the grain and just live my life.

What does this mean for Broke Single Girl? My dedication, complete dedication. For the the first time since I was 18, it’s not about someone else. Still feeling that vacation bliss from visiting Miami last week, I’m going to be selfish as fuck. 

For those who stuck around, you guys are the real MVP. And if you’re new, welcome. I have a feeling we’re going to go on a crazy adventure and I can not wait.
Cheers. 

Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind.

credit: someecards.com

credit: someecards.com

In the age of Millennials, we tend overshare everything. From taking Snapchats on the toilet to posting photos of Vietnamese Pho soup on Instragram, we have taken ‘sharing is caring’ too fucking far. Sure, some people might get a kick of your posts but slow your roll. Want to go overboard and lose friends quickly? Just start talking about your relationship on all sectors of Social Media. Nothing will alienate you faster than boasting about your new companion.

Before you get this whole entire post twisted, I’m truly happy for those that finds someone who tolerates them longer than the 30 minute intervals I usually give other humans. In true style of my idol, Kanye West, I’m going to eventually let you finish, but hear me out first. No one cares! Not to sound like the heartless wrench that I am, but I’m being honest. Tone it down with the tagging of Facebook status and the #TBTs of your first date. You know the saying, ‘Less is More’? Take that shit with a massive grain of salt.

Let me give you some insight on why I feel this way. Dated a guy in college and of course, I was on Cloud 9. Took me a while to get him to entertain the idea to date me so, in true fashion, I blew that shit up on Social Media. Things where fine at first, until I got bit by the ugly green monster and flipped out when other broads would write on his wall or comment on a picture. Fights started to brew and after a few weeks of bliss, shit hit the fan. We called it quits after 4 months and it dawned on me. If I wasn’t so caught up with our online relationship, I could’ve appreciated what we had off the grid.

Here’s the Sparknotes version: keep it on the DL. For all you guys know, I could be married and you wouldn’t fucking know it. Okay, well I’m not married but you get the idea, right? The relationship should be truly enjoyed for those involved and only them. Yes, you like or even love each other but no need to prove it to the world. To me, that screams insecurity to have to blast it out there almost every day. Take the relationship for face value and embrace it. If you want to keep sharing, do you boo-boo. Just be careful?

 

Kthnxbye.

Melissa Henry

Passive Agression Doesn’t Lead to Success

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One of my worst personality traits is that I can be extremely passive aggressive. Yes, it gets you no where but being I absolutely hate confrontation, it’s my only solution. Now, imagine being passive aggressive and you date someone that identical. That would send your head into a tailspin. So what’s a girl to do?

Recently, I’ve met a guy that I fancied and I knew that I had to control myself. The last time I came off strong, let’s just say I’m blocked on all social media from ever contacting him. Needless to say, I needed to come out with a new game plan in order to be successful. The light bulb in my head dinged and I thought, maybe I shouldn’t text or call him a whole bunch. Logic in my head was, if I gave the bare minimum in response, I won’t come off as needy.

What a fucking terrible idea

As time progressed, the responses started to become sparse and I was beginning to think that he lost all complete interest in me. Being the person I am, I decided to brush it off. Then paranoia sets in and I needed to find out for myself the truth behind it all.

It was my apparent disinterest in him.

Well shit, I guess it was me. Call me old fashioned but I always felt that it was in the role of the guy to initiate conversation. But I guess the learning curve has shifted… Long story short, I need to start being more assertive if I want anything positive to happen to me.

Maybe the next guy I’ll meet will be the one that I would want to exhaust my vocal chords, in more than one way of course. Time is the devil in all of this because who knows when that’ll take place. Until then, just need to keep living and stop being a fucking hermit crab. With summer quickly approaching, this will be the time for me to shine.

Until then my fellow thots

Too da loo

Melissa.

I’m not dead….yet

credit: tumblr.com

Hello world! Well, the 3 of you that actually read this. Sorry for being so neglectful of this blog but you know, work owns my life. Yes, those long hours has taken a toll on my creative mojo but hopefully with all of my future writing endeavours, I can give my love to all of you.

Boy, a lot has happened since January and I can’t wait to share with all of you. If I have to bring my laptop to work to blog on my break, I will do it because I know some of you like to read what I have to say.

On that note, I guess Pinkstar (my laptop’s name) is coming with me to work tomorrow 🙂

To da loo bitches,

Melissa

New Year, Old Me.

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It’s that time of year where every single person in your life is going to attempt to live by the mantra, “New Year, New Me.” Why should anyone wait until January 1st of a new year to change themselves as a person. More importantly, why change period? For me, 2015 would probably more of a regression than a progression in certain aspects of my life. You’re probably screaming profanities at your screen because people should move forward and not backwards. To a degree, I do agree with you but when it comes to personal relationships, taking a few notes from the past could be beneficial.

The Holidays Season is the time of year where people have a minor crisis because when they log into any social media platform, they cringe when they see engagement and pregnancy announcements. Instead of enjoying the freedom they have, they want to squander it all by forcing a monogamous relationship that did not develop organically. Take a minute and truly reflect on what is going on in your life before you drag someone in your hot mess. Personally, I’m too much of a catastrophe to let anyone else in and I’m completely content with that. Remember, do you boo boo but at the same time, don’t completely re-mold your life in order to confide in what people would consider social norms and shack yourself in a relationship. Desperation is and will never be a cute look. Ever.

So in honor of reverting back to a younger me, I’m going to revisit my life circa 2009. This was a time in my life were I was slowly losing whatever shame I had in my life at age 23. Granted, I’m a little more financial stable now than I was at the time, I loved my mind set then. Being all about partying and just enjoying the company of various guys allowed me to never be in a state of routine. Now that I’m fully aware that the concept of a monogamous relationship disgusts me and not a possibility, let me enjoy the end of my twenties the way I want, as a single broke hot mess.

 

Whelp.

I think I made a resolution.

 

Oh Well. Later

Surviving Summer 2014.

credit: sd.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk

Ahh yes, Summer unofficially starts in 7 days with Memorial Day Weekend. To commemorate the first official single summer I’ve had in 3 years, I feel like I should share my game plan for the summer with all of you. It’s all about having the right strategy and keeping your game face on. One rookie mistake that I see a lot of newly single females do is taking on too much in one night. Ladies, you need to calm the fuck down and pace yourself. Whether you’re planning to be hella ratchet at the club or having a classy night out with your broads, take the following into account.

The Bitch Brigade.

You need to surround yourself with top-tier party and/or slutty girls in order to make your night a success. The last thing you want is to have Negative Nancy bitching about being tired at 11:30 p.m. when you haven’t even finished your 3rd Vodka & Tonic. Leave the cry babies at home and bring out the best of the best. You need that female wingwoman that is not only trying to get herself laid, but to make sure you get that one night stand you desire. Your cup is never empty because you all will be buying rounds of shots to keep it moving til 4 am and will hold your hair back when you gotta yak that Wendy’s you ate before going out.

Don’t Stop Moving

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Look, I know the importance of an amazing outfit and how every detail matters. But for crying out loud, if you can’t wear heels, keep them home. If you know damn well you’re a sloppy drunk, get some hella cute flats and call it a day. The last thing you want to do is to be dry humping a hottie on the dance floor and end up in the Emergency Room because you busted your ass while wearing 5 inch heels. Want to wear those Jimmy Choo’s you got on discount at the outlets? Make sure to hit up your local CVS or Duane Reade to get some disposable flats for that walk of shame in the morning. Trust me, it’ll be the best $10 you’ll spend this summer.

Balling on a Budget.

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Pre-gaming is an art form that needs to be taken seriously when you plan on hitting the town this summer. Learning to budget yourself is so essential because by binge drinking at home before heading out will save you extra money for that cab ride home. Just remember one thing, don’t get too turnt up at your girl’s house. If that douchey bouncer sees the slightest bit of drunkenness in your face, he will deny your ass. Do what I do: drink a few beers and shots at my girl’s house then bring an iced tea bottle that’s filled with rum and diet coke. That way, I keep my buzz going on my way to the club and I would only need to buy 1-2 drinks at $11 a piece. I know my drunk ass will be too lazy to take the subway and I need that $1 slice to survive the commute home.

Wrap It Up

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Nothing pains me more than hearing someone scream through the phone, “HOLY SHIT I’M 2 WEEKS LATE!!!!!” after knowing that your girl went home with that creeper that brought her that Malibu Bay Breeze. Do not assume that guys always carry condoms with them because, well… just don’t make that assumption. Be bold and bring rubbers with you during your journey. Yes, it does come off a bit presumptuous and slutty but since when do you care about how people saw you? The only thing I am concerned with is not catching something like Chlamydia or worse… pregnancy.

Window of Opportunity

credit: singlegirlstatus.wordpress.com

Keep it moving girl. No one wants to be hung up on one person for 100 days when you can have 100 guys every single day during the summer. I mean, if you can handle that many men in one season, YOU GO GLEN COCO. The point that I’m trying to get accross that if that guy doesn’t call you back, on to the next. You have a small time frame to wear your skimpiest clothing and grab as many numbers as you physically could. Sure, your summer fling might end up being your future boyfriend but don’t hold your breath. Always have plans B-Z if plan A doesn’t pan out for you. It’s not cute to be waiting for your phone to ring because I’m pretty sure he won’t do the same for you.

 

Just remember one thing ladies, it’s all about you. Whether you’ve been single for 5 minutes or 5 months, the point is to live it up. Do all of the things you were nervous to do when you were in a relationship and say fuck it. Enjoy your summer whether it’s in South Beach getting your tan on or a ladies weekend in Las Vegas. Drink hard and party harder because once Labor Day rolls around, you’re stuck with heavy clothing unless you hit up Cancun in October. Don’t let anyone rain on your parade and allow them to judge you. People are going to drink haterade and look down on you. Ironically, those judgemental tools are the ones who don’t know how to have a great time and get loose. Remember, you’re sexy, single and sassy, so do you boo boo.

Toodles Bitches,

Melissa