Shoulda. Woulda. Coulda.

credit: someecards.com

credit: someecards.com

We all have them. The people in our lives where the curiosity sets in when it comes to the bedroom. You’ve heard stories, the gawking intensifies and there could be some mildly flirting. Now, you’re at an impasse. To bone or not to bone?  I’m pretty sure that was what Shakespeare was trying to say in Hamlet, I’m sure of it. Confidence sets in but before pulling the trigger, that painful question sets in.

Is it really worth it?

There are tons of scenarios that can come out of having sex with a friend. The best case scenario is that the two of you are on the same page and it’s blissful. For the past 7 years, me and my bro have been rocking it out and it made our friendship strong. Other friends in my life? Not so much. Lightening doesn’t strike the same place twice and there’s no need to rock the boat. Don’t take my word on it because every friendship has a different dynamic. Feel it out first by having hypothetical conversations because you know what they say when you assume things? You make an ass out of you and me. 

What I’m really trying to say is tread lightly and talk about it as soon as you can after it happens. Sweeping it under the rug just gives the elephant in the room more food and doesn’t want to budge. Addressing it bring clarity to the situation and if the friendship falls apart, then that person was a lame ass. If they couldn’t handle a sexual relationship without over analyzing the situation, it wasn’t worth it. At the end of the day, you need to worry about you and only you. Don’t need to surround yourself with people who have no clue how to have fun.

Just remember one thing, feelings, amongst other things, is something you don’t want to catch. Mentally prepare yourself for the worst because no one likes to sidelined. But just remember to think one thing, this is a two way street. As consenting adults, you both chose to get naked so brace yourself.

To make it short, just do it because you don’t want to regret not making the move. The only regrets one should have in life is for the things you didn’t do. Make sure you throw a rubber on it because no one likes pregnancy. Be grown up about it and don’t over think it. Whatever happens will happen and there’s no need to drive yourself mental thinking about possible outcomes. Embrace and if they have central air, make it a summer time thing for sure.

Peace Out Cub Scouts.

Melissa

 

Trying It Out Before You Buy.

credit: someecards.com

I always loved this saying since I was a child, obviously before I knew the actual meaning of the phrase.

“Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?”

The negative connotation behind this phrase makes me mad. Why is sampling the product before you make an investment such a terrible thing? You don’t get heat for test driving a car before you take it out of the lot, right? So why give me grief if I want to see how the chemistry before I want to get to know him at all? One thing I hate more than anything is wasting my time because time is something I find precious. Another reason? If I wait too long to see what’s going on under the hood, I might miss the window for the return policy and I don’t want an even exchange.

Sure, I tend to hook up far more frequently now I’m in my late 20s than I did when I was in college but I’m trying to get a feeler on what’s out there. The curiosity factor comes into play; you’re wondering how that person is in bed. People have personas that make them seem one type of way but behind closed doors, it’s like the Jekyll/Hyde effect. There has to be something about the effect that alcohol has on an individual because for some reason, I always have to do the dip as soon as the deed is done. I usually have no problem doing the walk of shame but at the same time, it would be better if it was actually worth it.

A potential pitfall about this method is that you find that one amazing hook up and come to realize that it was a one time deal. It has happened a few times in the past and it’s a fucking shame because it’s a tease. It’s like, you try an amazing piece of cake and come to find out that the sole baker of that cake moves away, thus you not having that cake again for the rest of your days. It’s a terrible way to live, right? I mean, not that terrible but if you want that cake again, you’re shit out of luck.

So don’t ever feel ashamed about testing out the waters before jumping in. You don’t want to dive in and getting hurt because you didn’t realize it was a shallow end.

 

Tootles Bitches,

Melissa

Set Sail Ladies, It’s Fleet Week!

credit: Huffington Post

Single women in New York City have this week marked off in their calendars every single year. Well, except for last year because people in our Nation’s Capital decide to be cry babies and have a shutdown (breathe Melissa, breathe!!). I digress. Anyways, with Memorial Day being the unofficial kick off for Summer; Fleet Week is the countdown to the Holiday. For 6 glorious days, members who serve our country’s Navy, Marine and Coast Guard come to NYC to enjoy the sights and have our citizens show their appreciation for being selfless.

If you happen to be visiting NYC for Fleet Week, there are tons of events for you to do in the day time. Whether you want to get the grand tour of the ships that are docked in Manhattan or Staten Island or maybe be an awesome person and give some of our servicemen a tour of our city, there’s always something to do. While the cool stuff is during the day time, don’t forget that they are here to play.

credit: photobucket.com/albums/g246/sey115

In my conquest of singledom this Summer, I definitely look forward to Fleet Week even though I met my most recent ex that week in 2011. That experience won’t damper on what I call “Christmas in May”. One thing I can not emphasize enough that it will be a jungle out there. I frequent many of the bars in the Broadway/Times Square area other times out of the year but for 6 days, they are so packed that you are going to get molested. You need to be on your A-Game because remember, there are at least 100 other single girls looking for the same thing as you.

Have a buddy system with your girlfriends! You will all get separated at one point so make sure you have a meeting spot after the night is over. I usually hit the bars with one or two other girls so that way we can’t lose each other. Whenever I walk into the bar whether it may be The Mean Fiddler or Pig ‘N Whistle, I make sure they know I’m in that bitch. Being a Navy Brat has given me the upper hand throughout the years in connecting with the hot sailors who want to have a good time. I gotta show my appreciation for our men in uniform somehow, right?

Maybe you’ll find your soul mate at the other end of the bar or the best sex session you’ve ever have, make this week count. This will be the precursor to how the rest of your summer will play out. If the guy doesn’t call you ever, don’t freak out. Remember, they have the same mind set that you have while they’re in our great city. Just make sure he wraps it up, Okay?

No Glove, No Love!

Toodles,

Melissa Henry

Beware of the Cuddle Monster.

When you’re a kid, having a fear of entities such as the Boogeyman, the monster under your bed and clowns is the norm. People like myself still harbor those childhood fear right into adulthood but what’s amazing is the fears you develop in your twenties. You’re probably thinking, ‘what is she rambling about this time?’ Well, after being engaged the first time from ages 18-20, I developed a crippling fear of…

Cuddling.

Yes, there are no spoons in my kitchen. There’s something about having that much intimacy with another person that makes me want to vomit my Kung Pao Chicken from dinner earlier tonight. Whenever I would tell my friends my huge disgust towards cuddling and spooning, they tend to have a baffling look on their face. They know that I like to entertain myself with the occasional one night stand or have a booty call from each borough on speed dial. My intense fear of cuddling though has been problematic, more recently than when I was in my mid-twenties.

Is there an unknown rule that women are supposed to be all about the cuddles? Clearly, I wasn’t at the meeting that day when the memo was sent out. You would think my body was set on fire with how fast I put my clothes back on. They would get mad that I don’t want to stick around. I mean, if I really wanted to, I would be in a relationship. Am I right? I believe in the ‘Hit and Run’ method. I hit that and I run for my fucking life. The last attempt I had a guy try to cuddle with me, I retaliated with a dutch oven. Yes, I am that disgusting but it was highly effective.

Will I ever break free of my fear? Highly unlikely but I just want the men of the world to know it’s not them. Unless they have really bad BO then it’s totes them.

Too-la-loo loves.

Caught in Saran Wrap.

credit to themorningnews.org

I was on a mission to have some serious fun this past summer. Meaning? I often tend to get myself in situations of one night stands. One thing I always forget to mentally prepare myself for is the inevitable stage-5 clinger. Why isn’t there a world wide memo for all of the single people in the world. There should be a handbook on how to tactfully handle a one night stand or a weekend of fun without coming off as a psycho stalker.

There has been a HUGE misconception that women are generally the one’s that attached to someone after having a moment of hot sweaty bliss. In reality, men are starting to react in that behavior. As a woman on the prowl, I come in with the expectation of no strings. Instead, I get clung on to like a dog in heat, humping on your leg. I mean, granted, the 7 shots of Jameson REALLY did me in. What do you expect? I’m at the Jersey Shore at a club, of course I was going to get free shots all night. But I digress. What had blown my mind was the amount of attention he was demanding post-coitus. Nothing is more annoying that a string of questions that would make someone come off as extremely needy. Why does it matter if this was a one time deal or if I liked you? You got what you wanted out of the night, so don’t make it more than what it was.

What it really boils down to is, Summer means no strings. Unless the person you plan on hooking up with it makes it common knowledge that they’re looking for something more, don’t make it more than what it is. I honestly thought the kid was cool to hang with before we got naked. Now? Not so much. Such a shame too because now when we are in the same room, shit gets hella awkward. Well in my defense, he makes it awkward for me and everyone else.  Remember folks, Saran Wrap is quite difficult to remove.