Holy Lame Ass, Batman!!

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Well, what an uneventful Summer it has been thus far.

To my followers, I completely appologize for being the lamest person in the entire universe. In my defense, I’ve been working so much that I’ve actually gotten lighter. No tan, no beer gardens, no fucking fun since Fleet Week.

So what should I write about? With the massive amount of hours I’ve clocked in at the salt mines, I haven’t had time to sleep, let alone binge drink. Oh man, I miss staying at the bar until 7 am and letting an Irish boy take me to his home.

I feel like that neglectful mother that feeds her 15 children Alpo Dog Food. Rest assured, I need to at least give you guys that good shit.

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Set Sail Ladies, It’s Fleet Week!

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Single women in New York City have this week marked off in their calendars every single year. Well, except for last year because people in our Nation’s Capital decide to be cry babies and have a shutdown (breathe Melissa, breathe!!). I digress. Anyways, with Memorial Day being the unofficial kick off for Summer; Fleet Week is the countdown to the Holiday. For 6 glorious days, members who serve our country’s Navy, Marine and Coast Guard come to NYC to enjoy the sights and have our citizens show their appreciation for being selfless.

If you happen to be visiting NYC for Fleet Week, there are tons of events for you to do in the day time. Whether you want to get the grand tour of the ships that are docked in Manhattan or Staten Island or maybe be an awesome person and give some of our servicemen a tour of our city, there’s always something to do. While the cool stuff is during the day time, don’t forget that they are here to play.

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In my conquest of singledom this Summer, I definitely look forward to Fleet Week even though I met my most recent ex that week in 2011. That experience won’t damper on what I call “Christmas in May”. One thing I can not emphasize enough that it will be a jungle out there. I frequent many of the bars in the Broadway/Times Square area other times out of the year but for 6 days, they are so packed that you are going to get molested. You need to be on your A-Game because remember, there are at least 100 other single girls looking for the same thing as you.

Have a buddy system with your girlfriends! You will all get separated at one point so make sure you have a meeting spot after the night is over. I usually hit the bars with one or two other girls so that way we can’t lose each other. Whenever I walk into the bar whether it may be The Mean Fiddler or Pig ‘N Whistle, I make sure they know I’m in that bitch. Being a Navy Brat has given me the upper hand throughout the years in connecting with the hot sailors who want to have a good time. I gotta show my appreciation for our men in uniform somehow, right?

Maybe you’ll find your soul mate at the other end of the bar or the best sex session you’ve ever have, make this week count. This will be the precursor to how the rest of your summer will play out. If the guy doesn’t call you ever, don’t freak out. Remember, they have the same mind set that you have while they’re in our great city. Just make sure he wraps it up, Okay?

No Glove, No Love!

Toodles,

Melissa Henry

Surviving Summer 2014.

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Ahh yes, Summer unofficially starts in 7 days with Memorial Day Weekend. To commemorate the first official single summer I’ve had in 3 years, I feel like I should share my game plan for the summer with all of you. It’s all about having the right strategy and keeping your game face on. One rookie mistake that I see a lot of newly single females do is taking on too much in one night. Ladies, you need to calm the fuck down and pace yourself. Whether you’re planning to be hella ratchet at the club or having a classy night out with your broads, take the following into account.

The Bitch Brigade.

You need to surround yourself with top-tier party and/or slutty girls in order to make your night a success. The last thing you want is to have Negative Nancy bitching about being tired at 11:30 p.m. when you haven’t even finished your 3rd Vodka & Tonic. Leave the cry babies at home and bring out the best of the best. You need that female wingwoman that is not only trying to get herself laid, but to make sure you get that one night stand you desire. Your cup is never empty because you all will be buying rounds of shots to keep it moving til 4 am and will hold your hair back when you gotta yak that Wendy’s you ate before going out.

Don’t Stop Moving

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Look, I know the importance of an amazing outfit and how every detail matters. But for crying out loud, if you can’t wear heels, keep them home. If you know damn well you’re a sloppy drunk, get some hella cute flats and call it a day. The last thing you want to do is to be dry humping a hottie on the dance floor and end up in the Emergency Room because you busted your ass while wearing 5 inch heels. Want to wear those Jimmy Choo’s you got on discount at the outlets? Make sure to hit up your local CVS or Duane Reade to get some disposable flats for that walk of shame in the morning. Trust me, it’ll be the best $10 you’ll spend this summer.

Balling on a Budget.

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Pre-gaming is an art form that needs to be taken seriously when you plan on hitting the town this summer. Learning to budget yourself is so essential because by binge drinking at home before heading out will save you extra money for that cab ride home. Just remember one thing, don’t get too turnt up at your girl’s house. If that douchey bouncer sees the slightest bit of drunkenness in your face, he will deny your ass. Do what I do: drink a few beers and shots at my girl’s house then bring an iced tea bottle that’s filled with rum and diet coke. That way, I keep my buzz going on my way to the club and I would only need to buy 1-2 drinks at $11 a piece. I know my drunk ass will be too lazy to take the subway and I need that $1 slice to survive the commute home.

Wrap It Up

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Nothing pains me more than hearing someone scream through the phone, “HOLY SHIT I’M 2 WEEKS LATE!!!!!” after knowing that your girl went home with that creeper that brought her that Malibu Bay Breeze. Do not assume that guys always carry condoms with them because, well… just don’t make that assumption. Be bold and bring rubbers with you during your journey. Yes, it does come off a bit presumptuous and slutty but since when do you care about how people saw you? The only thing I am concerned with is not catching something like Chlamydia or worse… pregnancy.

Window of Opportunity

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Keep it moving girl. No one wants to be hung up on one person for 100 days when you can have 100 guys every single day during the summer. I mean, if you can handle that many men in one season, YOU GO GLEN COCO. The point that I’m trying to get accross that if that guy doesn’t call you back, on to the next. You have a small time frame to wear your skimpiest clothing and grab as many numbers as you physically could. Sure, your summer fling might end up being your future boyfriend but don’t hold your breath. Always have plans B-Z if plan A doesn’t pan out for you. It’s not cute to be waiting for your phone to ring because I’m pretty sure he won’t do the same for you.

 

Just remember one thing ladies, it’s all about you. Whether you’ve been single for 5 minutes or 5 months, the point is to live it up. Do all of the things you were nervous to do when you were in a relationship and say fuck it. Enjoy your summer whether it’s in South Beach getting your tan on or a ladies weekend in Las Vegas. Drink hard and party harder because once Labor Day rolls around, you’re stuck with heavy clothing unless you hit up Cancun in October. Don’t let anyone rain on your parade and allow them to judge you. People are going to drink haterade and look down on you. Ironically, those judgemental tools are the ones who don’t know how to have a great time and get loose. Remember, you’re sexy, single and sassy, so do you boo boo.

Toodles Bitches,

Melissa