Ain’t Nobody Got Time for That.

Ah, yes. Recently, I’ve been getting asked that infuriating question as I approach the big 2-8. It would get paraphrased in ways such as ‘Shouldn’t you settle down already?’, ‘You’re getting too old for one-night stands’, or my personal favorite, ‘You can’t really afford to be picky with guys at your old age’.

Let’s go back in time shall we?

Since the beginning of this millenium, I was not single. Yes, I was that person that was in relationship after relationship until I was 26. That’s more than a decade of not being single and always having a guy breathing down my neck. I will admit that I had daddy issues growing up in a sense that I felt the need of validation from a man to feel complete. There was a time in my life that being in a relationship, good or bad, was the key to my happiness. Now? Not so much.

10 boyfriends, 2 fiances and thousands of tears dropped, I feel like I’m truly living. I mean, there were breaks in between relationships while in college where I did have a friend or two but nothing to the degree that I am experiencing right now. To truly be free to do what I want and not giving any fucks is the most liberating sensation I have ever felt. Example? When I was with my first fiance from 17-20, I couldn’t even go to a dorm party that was down the hall. Now that I can do what I want, going out on a Tuesday night and pounding $1 bud lights then making out with a hot guy is what I do on a weekly basis.

I’m not saying that I wouldn’t be accepting of meeting an amazing guy and falling in love. What the point is, that is I’m not looking vigorously for it. There is nothing that can tell me that being single when I’m closer to 30 than 20 is wrong or shameful. Every person works on their own time frame and there needs to be an understanding of that. Yes, I like being single and having fun because I didn’t get to truly experience it before turning 25. You could  say I’m playing catch up but then again, who asked for your opinion bro?

Before you shun that really great friend of yours for not getting married, put yourself in their shoes. They’re saving a shit ton of money from not planning a wedding or feeding a miniature human life form so if they want to go to Bali or Madrid on a whim, they could. They are the jet-setters, the social butterflies and the risk takers. Living life the best way possible and on their own terms. If I have a bad time taking care of myself with a hangover after a night of binge-drinking with 22 year olds, how could I possibly take care of a tiny life form. Clearly, your expectations of me are unrealistic.

Now, if you don’t mind, I might go galavanting and drink some cheap brews because I can do whatever the fuck I want.

Too-la-loo fuckers,

Melissa.

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Surviving Summer 2014.

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Ahh yes, Summer unofficially starts in 7 days with Memorial Day Weekend. To commemorate the first official single summer I’ve had in 3 years, I feel like I should share my game plan for the summer with all of you. It’s all about having the right strategy and keeping your game face on. One rookie mistake that I see a lot of newly single females do is taking on too much in one night. Ladies, you need to calm the fuck down and pace yourself. Whether you’re planning to be hella ratchet at the club or having a classy night out with your broads, take the following into account.

The Bitch Brigade.

You need to surround yourself with top-tier party and/or slutty girls in order to make your night a success. The last thing you want is to have Negative Nancy bitching about being tired at 11:30 p.m. when you haven’t even finished your 3rd Vodka & Tonic. Leave the cry babies at home and bring out the best of the best. You need that female wingwoman that is not only trying to get herself laid, but to make sure you get that one night stand you desire. Your cup is never empty because you all will be buying rounds of shots to keep it moving til 4 am and will hold your hair back when you gotta yak that Wendy’s you ate before going out.

Don’t Stop Moving

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Look, I know the importance of an amazing outfit and how every detail matters. But for crying out loud, if you can’t wear heels, keep them home. If you know damn well you’re a sloppy drunk, get some hella cute flats and call it a day. The last thing you want to do is to be dry humping a hottie on the dance floor and end up in the Emergency Room because you busted your ass while wearing 5 inch heels. Want to wear those Jimmy Choo’s you got on discount at the outlets? Make sure to hit up your local CVS or Duane Reade to get some disposable flats for that walk of shame in the morning. Trust me, it’ll be the best $10 you’ll spend this summer.

Balling on a Budget.

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Pre-gaming is an art form that needs to be taken seriously when you plan on hitting the town this summer. Learning to budget yourself is so essential because by binge drinking at home before heading out will save you extra money for that cab ride home. Just remember one thing, don’t get too turnt up at your girl’s house. If that douchey bouncer sees the slightest bit of drunkenness in your face, he will deny your ass. Do what I do: drink a few beers and shots at my girl’s house then bring an iced tea bottle that’s filled with rum and diet coke. That way, I keep my buzz going on my way to the club and I would only need to buy 1-2 drinks at $11 a piece. I know my drunk ass will be too lazy to take the subway and I need that $1 slice to survive the commute home.

Wrap It Up

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Nothing pains me more than hearing someone scream through the phone, “HOLY SHIT I’M 2 WEEKS LATE!!!!!” after knowing that your girl went home with that creeper that brought her that Malibu Bay Breeze. Do not assume that guys always carry condoms with them because, well… just don’t make that assumption. Be bold and bring rubbers with you during your journey. Yes, it does come off a bit presumptuous and slutty but since when do you care about how people saw you? The only thing I am concerned with is not catching something like Chlamydia or worse… pregnancy.

Window of Opportunity

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Keep it moving girl. No one wants to be hung up on one person for 100 days when you can have 100 guys every single day during the summer. I mean, if you can handle that many men in one season, YOU GO GLEN COCO. The point that I’m trying to get accross that if that guy doesn’t call you back, on to the next. You have a small time frame to wear your skimpiest clothing and grab as many numbers as you physically could. Sure, your summer fling might end up being your future boyfriend but don’t hold your breath. Always have plans B-Z if plan A doesn’t pan out for you. It’s not cute to be waiting for your phone to ring because I’m pretty sure he won’t do the same for you.

 

Just remember one thing ladies, it’s all about you. Whether you’ve been single for 5 minutes or 5 months, the point is to live it up. Do all of the things you were nervous to do when you were in a relationship and say fuck it. Enjoy your summer whether it’s in South Beach getting your tan on or a ladies weekend in Las Vegas. Drink hard and party harder because once Labor Day rolls around, you’re stuck with heavy clothing unless you hit up Cancun in October. Don’t let anyone rain on your parade and allow them to judge you. People are going to drink haterade and look down on you. Ironically, those judgemental tools are the ones who don’t know how to have a great time and get loose. Remember, you’re sexy, single and sassy, so do you boo boo.

Toodles Bitches,

Melissa