The Joke Is On Them, Not Me.


You know how they say hindsight is 20/20? I’m pretty sure the quote had originated by a person who had a really bad breakup. We’ve all had our fair share of stage 5 clingers and stupid douchebags but you’ve survived, right? Guaranteed, if you initiated the break-up, you’ve heard this line paraphrase during the intense verbal argument.

“I’m the best thing you’ve ever had!!”

Seriously bro? I would highly think so being that I’ve taken it upon myself to end this poor excuse of a relationship. Granted, 10 years ago I would have dealt with some whiny ass bitch because for some bizarre reason, I had low self-esteem. Whatever, let’s not get into that wack-ass stage of my life. I guess the point that I’m trying to reach is that these little punks have such a distorted view of themselves that it’s hilarious.

Let Melissa tell you a story real quick.

So I was dating this cute little Greek and Puerto Rican boy from Williamsburg that I actually liked a lot. How much, you say? Enough to ride that shitty ass G train and walk adjacent to the Marcy Project (HOV!). We hooked up quite a bit because that’s what people who don’t want to get married do in their late Twenties. Here’s the kicker though, it was 75% take and 25% give from his side, which drove me fucking nuts. Bro, I don’t ride the train an hour each way to not get my share, ya dig? After this went on for a few weeks, I told this kid that I was messing around with my college ex-boyfriend, just to get him mad. Honestly, I get enjoyment out of other people’s misery. I love smart phones for the pure fact that I was able to block him easily.

Fast-forward to recently…

I ran into homeboy in Astoria at the bar by his new place, apparently. To me, it seemed that he forgot about our falling out because after a shot of Jameson, we were sucking face. I decided to fuck with him again and made the choice to go home. This night, I was buying my drinks with cash so it made it effortless to walk out of the bar. While the session of hot and heavy making out, I realized why he was so fucking clingy and stupid.

He liked the way I did certain things.

Yes, I’m know for performing certain acts with apple skill. So as I’m walking away, he starts running after me and tries to get me to at least talk. Silly boy, talking is for children. I turn to tell him off and he attempts to beat me to the punch by saying, “You came crawling back because you realized how great I was.”

Snarky as fuck, I retorted, “If the that was the case, why were up my ass. Just remember, you’ll never have your baby dick touch marvelously by another woman in your life.” I kept walking. I know I’m good and what I do and it’s a double-edged sword. How you ask? Because guys don’t know how to handle the spectacle in front of them and they get needy. Ladies, if you’re on my caliber, don’t show the word. Take that as a word of caution.





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