Beware of the Cuddle Monster.

When you’re a kid, having a fear of entities such as the Boogeyman, the monster under your bed and clowns is the norm. People like myself still harbor those childhood fear right into adulthood but what’s amazing is the fears you develop in your twenties. You’re probably thinking, ‘what is she rambling about this time?’ Well, after being engaged the first time from ages 18-20, I developed a crippling fear of…

Cuddling.

Yes, there are no spoons in my kitchen. There’s something about having that much intimacy with another person that makes me want to vomit my Kung Pao Chicken from dinner earlier tonight. Whenever I would tell my friends my huge disgust towards cuddling and spooning, they tend to have a baffling look on their face. They know that I like to entertain myself with the occasional one night stand or have a booty call from each borough on speed dial. My intense fear of cuddling though has been problematic, more recently than when I was in my mid-twenties.

Is there an unknown rule that women are supposed to be all about the cuddles? Clearly, I wasn’t at the meeting that day when the memo was sent out. You would think my body was set on fire with how fast I put my clothes back on. They would get mad that I don’t want to stick around. I mean, if I really wanted to, I would be in a relationship. Am I right? I believe in the ‘Hit and Run’ method. I hit that and I run for my fucking life. The last attempt I had a guy try to cuddle with me, I retaliated with a dutch oven. Yes, I am that disgusting but it was highly effective.

Will I ever break free of my fear? Highly unlikely but I just want the men of the world to know it’s not them. Unless they have really bad BO then it’s totes them.

Too-la-loo loves.

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