Oh? You’re Feeling THAT Type Of Way.

credit: gainesvillescene.com

Feels.

The concept of feelings make me extremely uncomfortable. Nothing stresses me out more than things I have no control over. Yes, I have control tendencies due to my intense analytical nature. Having the mindset of having the need to break things down into pieces can be both a blessing and a curse. When it comes to me wanting to attempt an actual relationship, my mind goes into full-blown panic mode. Why? Because I had adapted a lifestyle that included thoughtless sex that anything more than that would render my brain catatonic.

What’s a woman to do when the feels come to fruition? In all honestly, I do one of two things: purposely sabotage the relationship in the infancy stage or constantly binge drink so that my potential boyfriend thinks I’m a raging alcoholic. Terrible methods? Yes, extremely but they are highly effective. There has been instances where both my methods were not successful. Thankfully, I can make myself disappear in those worse case scenarios. Nothing makes my skin crawl than having the feels.

Does this mean that I will never have those vomit-inducing feelings towards a guy that people like Nicolas Sparks has successfully exploited for profit? Quite possibly but my girl friends would tell me otherwise. They would remind me how much of a “catch” I am and that I will find the love of my life. I mean, I’m not completely ruling this out but then again, my almost black lungs can’t afford to hold my breath. The last thing I want to do is to hold out for a hero when I could be hitting the bars and making out with complete strangers. If it so happens that I might have had a one night stand with my “soul mate” but I didn’t want to wait until the next morning to find that out. Too many booty calls and not enough hours in the day. This is especially the case when it comes to the feels; nobody has time to waste on that nonsense.

Deuces my dudes.

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Beware of the Cuddle Monster.

When you’re a kid, having a fear of entities such as the Boogeyman, the monster under your bed and clowns is the norm. People like myself still harbor those childhood fear right into adulthood but what’s amazing is the fears you develop in your twenties. You’re probably thinking, ‘what is she rambling about this time?’ Well, after being engaged the first time from ages 18-20, I developed a crippling fear of…

Cuddling.

Yes, there are no spoons in my kitchen. There’s something about having that much intimacy with another person that makes me want to vomit my Kung Pao Chicken from dinner earlier tonight. Whenever I would tell my friends my huge disgust towards cuddling and spooning, they tend to have a baffling look on their face. They know that I like to entertain myself with the occasional one night stand or have a booty call from each borough on speed dial. My intense fear of cuddling though has been problematic, more recently than when I was in my mid-twenties.

Is there an unknown rule that women are supposed to be all about the cuddles? Clearly, I wasn’t at the meeting that day when the memo was sent out. You would think my body was set on fire with how fast I put my clothes back on. They would get mad that I don’t want to stick around. I mean, if I really wanted to, I would be in a relationship. Am I right? I believe in the ‘Hit and Run’ method. I hit that and I run for my fucking life. The last attempt I had a guy try to cuddle with me, I retaliated with a dutch oven. Yes, I am that disgusting but it was highly effective.

Will I ever break free of my fear? Highly unlikely but I just want the men of the world to know it’s not them. Unless they have really bad BO then it’s totes them.

Too-la-loo loves.

Unintentional Hiatus.

Well look at that, guys. I’m actually alive and kicking!

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It has been a hectic few months with adjusting with the insanity of Post-Holiday retail and trying to make moves so I can afford craft beer and non-well shots when I venture to Manhattan. I guess when you work 45-50 hours a week, your blog kind of has to sit on the back burner for a little bit. But have no fear, Melissa Henry is here!!

For those you don’t leave on the Eastern Seaboard, we had a shitty winter. Due to the multiple occurances of the Polar Vortex, I was pretty much hibernating. I mean, who wants to go out in a short dress and heels when it’s 20 degrees out with a wind chill factor of -5? Not me, good sir! If I could stroll around the Meatpacking District with short shorts and strappy sandals, I totes would.

Summer is quickly approaching and it only means one thing for myself…

SINGLE GIRL ADVENTURES.

Sure, I know you guys love to read about the shit-show that is my love life but I want to switch it up! One thing that will be included from this point on is my favorite cheap spots all around NYC. Whether you’re in town for a week or live here and have no idea about these awesome places, I believe sharing is caring.

Until then my loves.